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The State of Mudcub
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mudcub
Here’s how I spent my weekend. I know it doesn’t look like it from the photo, but I had a very good time.



I get jealous when I read about leathermen on LiveJournal. They seem to have such a great “Sex In The City” lifestyle: going out to brunch, with flogging in the afternoon, followed by puppy play and an orgy later that night. What I’m yearning for is a sense of community, a group of kinky friends who I can hang out with and have filthy sex later. LiveJournal has given me a little of that, and I’m grateful for this website.

Luckily, I’m horny, desperate, and a switch. So, I’m happy enough being the top, bottom, or anything in between. I like to play with women too, so now I can be rejected by pretty much the entire leather population. The problem is, I’m looking for something, and I don’t really know what it is. It’s kind of like traditional S&M, but not really.

I get turned on by forced feeding. Simply because it’s a way to prove that my Master owns *all* my holes: ass and throat, too. I love being forced to do things. I think that I’m scared of a lot of stuff that excites me, so to have a guy order me to roll in the dirt gives me an excuse to let that playful side of myself out. I also crave new experiences, so to taste or smell something unusual is a gift. Man, I love to sweat and stink. Pain, heavy bondage, training, mummification, punishment… they are all tools to make me into something different than the way I am right now.

Cheap sex and short scenes can be fun. But, I’m tired of unimaginative leathersex: the nipple clamps, spankings, those strange little leather “nazi” caps all the masters wear. I want a Master who will fuck with me. I’m still trying to figure this out, and I’m expressing it wrong. But I want a guy who knows he owns me… but not like a pet or a precious objet d’art. More like something that should be teased and hurt on a regular basis. Maybe I just need a good sadist in my life.

Now, I don’t want to sound like a pushy bottom. I love following orders… doing whatever “the nice man tells me to do”. I’m perfectly happy to do things I don’t like in order to make the Top happy. For example, I don't like giving blowjobs, but I'll do it if I have to. In fact, the sick part of my mind *likes* the fact that I sometimes have to give a blowjob when I don't like to give blowjobs, if that makes sense. It’s just that lately I’m searching for something more. Or maybe something less.

When I was in high school, I wanted someone who wanted to hang out with me. And I found that, and it was nice. But then in college I wanted someone who wanted to *fuck* me. And that was great also, but still not enough. As an adult, I wanted someone to truly and deeply love me, and I found that. But now I want someone to understand me, and that’s proving the toughest of them all. Maybe because I don’t truly understand myself.

Ok,  enough drama. Who wants a blowjob?

*spreads legs and whips it out*

You may proceed at any time, cub. :P

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I know we've never really talked, or related or anything, and we just kinda ended up on each other's friends list, but the more I read your journal, the more I find we have in common. just lettin you know that you're not the only one who's constantly looking for something.

It sounds like you want someone who will grow with you as he pushes your limits of who you really are.
We all seek something akin to our selves only in a more perfected form. What I'm finding out is that you may not find that in one person alone. I love my John with all of my heart and soul but he has no spiritual inclinations and I'm every day becoming more spirituality driven. Thus I'm looking for that outside of my primary relationship, and doing it with his blessing.

It all sounds so... familiar.

exactly what I was thinking...

(Deleted comment)
Whinewhinewhine... "Y'know, there are people with nice houses, steady jobs, enough money, a decent boyfriend, and all they do is whine about how terrible their lives are..."

*ducks; runs for my life*

I loooooove you, honey. Let's cuddle!

It's true... if I was a Iraqi refugee, I wouldn't have time for angst.

I want to hang out with you and watch "Fido". When are you free next week?

Blow job and a rim please

Is that cum in your hair? & were you rolling around in the elephant compound at the zoo? Very hot pic! We need to get "slopped up" together sometime.

Marshmallow fluff and Rice Krispies. My last name is "Kellogg", and it gave the top some inspiration.

I think I know what you mean - you want someone who will explore your limits and help you figure out what they are and who you are in the process. I totally relate to what you're saying only I crave it all around - I don't just want someone to push my physical limits in a scene - I want to push my limits all around. I have someone who truly loves me but what I need in addition is a community or group of people to make that sort of journey "with".

Dammit! You said it better than I could... it alot fewer words. Now - what's the solution?

"I'll remove the cause. But not (pause) the symptoms!"

But now I want someone to understand me

Funny thing is... I understand. And I would bet, that several of your mates on here understand as well. And you can bet there are men... and women out there who understand you far better than you realize.
As for the one special person... give it time, they are out there man.

Though I get it, we all want that person to show the fuck up NOW!

Do you think it's only one person? Or "polyamory"? Or a series of tricks? I don't know...

When I was in high school, I wanted someone who wanted to hang out with me. And I found that, and it was nice. But then in college I wanted someone who wanted to *fuck* me. And that was great also, but still not enough. As an adult, I wanted someone to truly and deeply love me, and I found that. But now I want someone to understand me, and that’s proving the toughest of them all. Maybe because I don’t truly understand myself.

fucking WOW... very similar thoughts have been bouncing in my head way too much of late. U2's "still haven't found what I'm looking for" has been my theme way too much lately. Good luck finding (and figuring out) what you want here mister.


"I get jealous when I read about leathermen on LiveJournal. They seem to have such a great “Sex In The City” lifestyle: going out to brunch, with flogging in the afternoon, followed by puppy play and an orgy later that night."
I wouldn't be "jealous"... you're getting the censored version of their lives (and in some cases, a little embellished). Add in the monotony of work, cooking dinner, going to bed alone, etc. and you'll find you have just an "exciting" life.

"I like to play with women too, so now I can be rejected by pretty much the entire leather population."
Hmmm... that's a pretty defeatist and definitely inaccurate assumption. Whoever is rejecting you for that likely isn't worth playing with to start with.

"Now, I don’t want to sound like a pushy bottom."
Too late... haha - I kid!

"Maybe because I don’t truly understand myself."
I think you do.

The rejection thing is a joke bisexuals often tell. "I can be turned down for dates by men *and* women!" Not defeatist... just trying to be funny.

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