mudcub (mudcub) wrote,

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Man, I’m crashing fast. I’m not really prone to bouts of depression, but I’ve been wanting to cry a lot today. Of course, I don’t actually *cry*… I’m not a *pussy* {grin}, but I still have a lot of dark thoughts throughout the whole day.

I tried therapy a few years ago for a bit but it didn’t seem to help much. I’ve never tried drugs, legal or illegal. Self-destructive behavior sounds kind of fun – it has a bad rap in my opinion. If I do terrible things to myself, at least it will feel a little bit as if I’m in a kinky S&M relationship, and I’ll get some sexual satisfaction out of that.

So, some self-denial might be in order. I’m going to try not going out, not eating, and not jacking off for a while, and see how that goes. I’ve been reading a lot of poetry lately. I’m wondering if a zen state of “nothingness” might help. Ommmm…


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