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Sartorial Tutorial
Boot worship

Here is everything I know about bootblacking:

1. First, find somewhere to black boots. There are many opportunities if
you look hard: gay bars, charity events at gay bars, beer busts at gay
bars, and also gay bars. In any case, wherever you choose will be pitch
dark, so bring a flashlight that straps to your forehead.

2. Like a hummingbird to a feeder, someone will eventually sit down.
Congratulations! You have your first customer. Roll up their
jeans/chaps/crinolines and remove their bootlaces, because you don't want
them to get dirty. How you do this with polish-stained hands and keep
everything clean, I have no idea.

3. Introduce yourself. Make small talk or a joke. But don't ask the
customer how they want their boots done. If they are new, like me, they
will be intimidated by the question and won't know what to say. "Uh, I
dunno... just polish 'em?" But if they really know about their boots or
they have a special preference, they will let you know.

4. Don't worry if their boots are "oil-tanned" (whatever that is... I
truly have no idea). If they are dumb enough to sit in your boot polishing
chair with boots that aren't supposed to be polished, then that's their

5. Don't attempt to clean their boots first. Or if you do, don't use any
water, because then the boots will need to be dried for a day and they
can't be polished that night. Knock dirt off as much as you can, or give
the boots a rubdown all over. Again, if someone sits in your chair with
dirty boots, they deserve whatever they get.

6. Apply as little polish as possible. Then whip it off fast with light
pressure. Remember this important rule about the bootblack community:
"Whatever you're doing... you're doing it wrong"

Oh, of course nobody will directly use those words. They will say
something like, "Here is what *I* do..." but the tone and meaning are the
same. If you use a rag, you should be using a diaper. If you use a diaper,
you should be using a sock. Or better yet, you should be using some exotic
chamois that is only available on the internet from a website whose URL
they can't recall. Just know that if *they* were polishing boots, they
would do it much better than you ever could. That's what the conversation
is about.

7. Be pleasant while you shine the boots. It helps if you are attractive.
And if you are attractive, it helps if you are semi-naked. Or, if you don't
feel like talking, concentrate intently on the the boots and act slightly
pissed-off. That will make the customer feel like you are working hard,
but they won't try to talk to you.

8. The boots will never be as shiny as you want, so do the best you can,
and stop after a reasonable amount of time, depending how much you like the
person in the chair. When you decide you're done, thank the customer. Help
them down from the chair. Gesture to the tip bucket and say something
like, "We're asking between $5 and $20 for charity". I'm too embarrassed to
accept money for bootblacking, but I don't want to do it for free, since I don't think
that is fair to other bootblacks.

9. You're done! Do it again with the next customer.

I'm not being sarcastic... these are the best rules I follow. There are
other things, like carrying along some silicon lube or windex to polish
rubber and latex. Or, if someone is wearing brown boots or cowboy boots,
I'll say something like, "Do you want me to polish those boots? Oh,
they're brown/red/yellow? Well here, let me put some Hubert's on them to
condition them." That usually makes people happy.

I haven't figured out some advanced stuff: what do to when an asshole sits
in your chair. How to deal with bar owners or event organizers. What to do
if there isn't a boot polishing stand or chair. How to polish boots when
you have three or four days to do it right. How incorporate sex into
bootblacking. But I'm willing to learn! Especially that last one...

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Where's my bootlicking?!

The one time I ever let another dude clean my boots, he wouldn't let me pee on him. I told him I was giving him a tip, but he declined :-(###<.b>

I've heard of spitshined boots... but never pissshined! You might be onto something.

Yes, and now if I can learn to close my bold HTML correctly: :-(###

You have a lot to learn.

I'm glad you said it, so I don't have to! LOL

(Deleted comment)
Yes, I know... I know... I'm doing it wrong

I learned a neat trick from a wardrobe supervisor: a final polish with a length of pantyhose gives a mirror-like sheen! You can skip most/all of the other steps, and the leather looks fantastic!

(Deleted comment)
Yeah...but were you WEARING the pantyhose at the time?!?!?

I used to keep a small brush with pantyhose pulled over it. It lasts a while and is easier to use.

An added bonus is getting the pantyhose from a hot woman. Well, for me anyway :)

I don't get it... you use the brush with pantyhose over it? Or just store it that way until it's ready to use?

She was a large lesbian Rocker, who showed me the trick!

I like to use it as a buffing rag, because the repeated strain on my wrists is easier to deal with.

Good to see you at Lonestar Beer Bust Sunday !!!

Hope you had a good time...when you head back to DC??

Re: Good to see you at Lonestar Beer Bust Sunday !!!

On Wednesday! Sorry I didn't stick around longer... I would have loved to talk with you

Re: Good to see you at Lonestar Beer Bust Sunday !!!

That's ok....I'm sure you are trying to pack a bizillion things to do in a short timeframe....Chat me up anytime here or on Facebook......

I do get to DC regularly .......talk soon...xoxoxoo

Well, if you're at a bar or function, it's a little difficult to mix sex with boot blacking, I'd imagine. Unless it's that kind of bar or function, of course.

There are a couple of things I thought of, though:

- Wear just a jockstrap to bootblack, and then sit on a stool or chair with a butt plug or dildo attached. Make sure you get up and down a lot so that the customers can see you fucking yourself.

- Get a table or harness of some kind that positions you flat on your tummy in such a way that you can shine boots while getting fucked at the same time by someone else.

- Sit naked on the floor and polish boots while the boot wearer is masturbating. When you're done, if you have polished to at least a smattering of a satisfaction level, he then cums on your face as the tip.

There's also foregoing a step and planting the boot between one's legs to work on it.

Um, ouch.

Well, you did say "Everything *I* Know About Bootblacking." :)

Sure got people riled up on Fetlife, though, didn'tcha?

Yeah, that didn't go over very well.

I thought I was being funny and self-deprecating, and it would be a fun way to put a strong opinion out there and get a response. Instead, a lot of people took it as a personal attack on the community.

I got the idea from a rugby manager who said, "All you need to know is to pick the ball up, run with it, and when you are tackled, present the ball to your teammates. And then get up and do it again." I thought that was a fun back-to-basics explanation of rugby. Of course, it's not everything. You can practice the game for years and still learn new things. But I like to think I could explain rugby to a beginner in five minutes, teach them to tackle safely, and then get them on the pitch to get a feel for the game.

I think it would be a little rude of me to try and teach a new player about "second pod positioning after breakdown play". At that point, I'm just talking over their head and showing off my knowledge. Likewise, when I've attend bootblacking classes that describe esoteric techniques with polymers, I think they're missing the point of teaching. I wanted to write down what I felt the basic of bootblacking are: find a pair of boots, shine them, thank the person, and move on.

So, yeah, I dug a hole, and I lost a few friends over it. After all is said and done, I still don't know how to shine a pair of boots.

The problem wasn't what you wrote, but going unknown into a community for bootblacks and posting it. People don't really know you or your humor, and see it as an affront. Had it been only in your journal, I would have just laughed. I was a bb for 5 years or so.

Btw, owners of oil-tan boots usually prefer Huberd's assuming you can still find it. I'm surprised you haven't been properly introduced to the stuff by now. It's slimy and smells like pitch, and it's great for leathers.

I have a friend with a HUGE fetish for Huberd's. But if I was given a test to tell if a given pair of boots was oil-tanned or not... I would have no idea. I guess I'd see if it had a layer of polish already on them, but it's a pure guess.

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