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Black eye
After 13 years, my boyfriend and I are talking about splitting up.

It’s all about sex. I hate being a cliché, but you know the story: my boyfriend met me when he was 48 and I was 24… he was my first gay relationship after I came out the year before. We were monogamous for the first seven years, started doing 3-ways and sex parties after that, but by 10 years, we weren’t having sex with each other. Two years ago, I rediscovered leather, and I want to play with guys by myself as either top or bottom. My boyfriend says if I do that, he will leave.

My sex life revolves around reading stories on the internet, or turning on the webcam. Last year, my boyfriend let me play with a mutual friend twice, and that was nice. But two times a year at the age of 37, and I’m unfulfilled. I get my boyfriend off every night… “helping” if you know what I mean. But I’m not interested in him reciprocating back to me. Don’t know why not. Maybe I'm angry, maybe it's too vanilla.

The last three weeks have sucked. My boyfriend and I spend every evening in long sad conversations. I’ve walked through the house, mentally splitting up the furniture between “mine” and “his”. The problem is, we’ve got a huge fucking house that would be impossible for me to live in alone. So, I’m looking at a breakup, a move, and possibly a new job if I leave Denver. That’s a lot to dread.

I see four options. We stay monogamous, in which case he’s happy and I’m not. An open relationship where I’m happy and he isn’t. A complete breakup. Or some kind of partially open relationship where I can go out on my own within some ground rules. I’m in favor of the last alternative, but it requires thinking and planning, and my boyfriend doesn’t want to discuss the issue until we come to it. I see that as a recipe for disaster.

2007 has been fucking shitty so far. My dad had surgery for lung cancer, along with health problems for an aunt and an uncle. The worst thing is, I don’t think my boyfriend and I will actually split up. Instead, I fear that we’ll milk this misery for another few years. The argument hasn’t changed since two years ago – we just keep rehashing the same old things. We’ll see if a couple’s therapist on Tuesday will help.

I still love everything about my boyfriend: his sense of humor, his caring, his mind. We don’t argue about money, family, travel, or cleaning around the house. There’s just this one issue, but I haven’t been able to find a solution for it. Thanks for the support from LJ… I’m sure a lot of you guys have been through something like this.

the last option is what todd and i do .. and it works INCREDIBLY well...seriously we are here for BOTH of you ...

To quote Bob Dylan, "But to live outside the law, you must be honest." Living that kind of non-traditional relationship takes a *lot* of communication and honesty.

You know where to find me. You know I will listen. You know I care.

HUGS, handsome.

My ex & I faced this as well--I'm a kinky bastard and he allowed his body-image issues to smother his sex-drive. We danced around the situation and perpetuated the frustrations we both felt. He was almost 11 years older than I was and tended to be less flexible in his thinking.

I learned a hard lesson. I made myself a promise that I will not allow logic to influence matters of the heart. I trust my gut.

I hope you find clarity, bud.


Yeah, but you guys eventually broke up. A lot of friends are telling me it's inevitable, and I'm railing against that.

Oh man that is rough, I wish I had something constructive to offer. Fundamental disagreements on the subject of sex are very difficult to resolve, and in this day and age, when people aren't under so much cultural and spiritual pressure to be homogeneous about it, these conflicts are an awful lot more common than they were even when I was in my 20s.

Some people say that the more dedicated and devoted a couple is to each other the more willing they'll be to expend the effort to work through these differences, but those people that say that shit are probably Dobson devotees - nobody else could be so stupid as to think that anything in life is that fucking simple.

I really really really hope you can both find the path that makes you both happy. You're good people, you deserve it.

Thanks! I like hearing your perspective. I think gay guys are a little weird. I don't know any straight couples who play outside the relationship, while it seems that monogamy is rare (if not extinct) in the homosexual world:

Sorry you're going through this. Sounds like what I've been going through for the past seven months here.

I'd be interested to know WHY he's dead-set against your playing outside the relationship. "Because I am." isn't a reason, it's a statement of condition.

Find out WHY he feels this way, and you'll be able to ascertain whether or not this issue can be resolved.

A strong suggestion: If you've not yet read it, find a copy somewhere of "The Ethical Slut", and give it a quick skim. It presents some good basic parameters for this type of negotiation ... especially regarding jealousy.

This ain't his first rodeo. He thinks that if I start playing around, I'll fall in love with somebody and then we'll break up. It happened to him a few times before.

(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
What Alan said about "The Ethical Slut" (I'd forgotten about that) and also what briandpx said, as well.

And you've already gotten my take off LJ, sweetie.

Well, you're my age and your BF is just a few years older than my partner, and we've been together 18 years. There is hardly any chance it would have worked if I didn't get to play around. He just isn't horny anymore.

However, we have a very nice, easygoing relationship that suits us both very well. The fact that I see a bunch of other guys and run around a lot doesn't mean that I feel any less committed to our life together. So I have to endorse the open relationship thing. It works very well for us.

See? That's what I want. That right there.

Oh, and also a long Friday night alone with you. I want that too {grin}.

I'm so sorry to hear about this; you have my hopes that you guys can come to some sort of a resultion.


Yeah, this is somewhat similiar to what Alex and I went through. I'm availlable if you want to talk.

Sounds like you guys have dug yourself a hole. I went through a similar thing, but reversed. Still haven't got over it, but beginning to. But that's your bf's (and my) problem. And milking the misery is also a choice, maybe by default.

You're 37. You have a lot of living to do. Do it.

Hi, and thanks. So, what do you mean by "reversed"? Were you the one who wanted monogamy? Were you / are you kind of jealous by nature? I'm curious to hear more... I'm not really possessive. I'd be happy with a polyamorous relationship, of a boyfriend who traveled a lot. I dunno, that's not something I really understand. So, what happened?

Hey bud,

Sorry to read this but I'm not surprised. Almost all the gay couples I know and have known come to this point. The point where sex is an issue. A big issue.

You sound like you've hashed it all out numerous times. I guess it will just come down to you deciding how important sex is to you.

Of the last three people I've dated two have mentioned that my libido is TOO much. And I wonder how that works. Of all the things I find enjoyment in, sex is one of the most pure. I love good sex. For me I've realized that this will be an issue, my last ex in Phoenix and I lost the physical connection somewhere and as a result my life became stagnant out of the bedroom as well.

Anyway too much rambling sorry. I do hope you figure something out. Cheers

Heh, I'd love to test that libido of yours!

Pure sex. That's my goal. Just two gay men connecting without all that bullshit and rules. I think that's one of the most honest things we can do as human beings, and I feel like with monogamy I have to kick guys out of my life and say, "Gotta go."


Counseling sounds like a good path.

i'm sure that whatever decision you come to will be the right one for both of you...

(Deleted comment)
Nice to talk to you! It's bin a while...

Well, I'm getting 99% of my needs met. I love my bear, and he fulfills me with food, love, cuddling, gifts, and life in general. We're missing those thirty minutes at night where we both cum (ok... ten minutes, I'm fast), and that sucks. But everything else makes up for it. Shame I can't have it all.

>accept the weight

Can there be a third option where there is no weight?