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Questions/ Answers
On Sunday night, 7/8/07, Anonymous emailed me:

>It may be worth mentioning that at this point, you guys are on the verge of
>breaking up over this, so it's a matter of *definitely* breaking up now
>versus *possibly* breaking up in the future.
>What would happen if you did fall in love with someone else? Is your
>relationship such that you would stay with him anyway? Could your relationship
>be that way? Can you have that discussion?
>I think you definitely need to figure out why you're not interested in him
>reciprocating. Unless you can answer that question, you can't identify the
>boundaries of what you need to change. If you figured out what you weren't
>getting, could he give it to you? Is the problem solvable in that way, or
>do you need outside sex partners? That's stuff you need to know to work this out.
>These are really tough discussions to have. I hope you guys do well with your
>counselor and can figure out how to make things work so you're both happy.

Wow! Tough questions Mr. Anonymous.

>it's a matter of *definitely* breaking up now versus *possibly* breaking up in the future

I'm hoping there's a fourth path - reinventing our relationship to add some space and freedom while increasing the emotional and sexual bond between us. It's a difficult and maybe impossible goal, but rewarding if we make it.

>What would happen if you did fall in love with someone else?

If my partner fell in love, I think I could "roll with it". I hope I could invite that new boyfriend into my life as the third in a polyamorous relationship. Or I could share. Or let my boyfriend go and be ok with that.

If *I* fell in love with someone else, things would be difficult. But I don't think it's in my character to fall in love that way. I would like an open relationship in order to connect with other gay men. But if I have the opportunity to have some cheap meaningless sex with some people I don't really like... that's ok too! But it's not about finding a replacement life partner.

>I think you definitely need to figure out why you're not interested in him reciprocating.

That's a hard one. Pick one or more of the following:

1) I'm pissed off... and it's hard to have sex when you're angry
2) I'm being childish, and need to mature emotionally
3) I'm trying to punish my partner by withholding sex until he changes his mind
4) I love my partner, and would have a hard time hurting him in an S&M scene
5) I love my partner, and would have a hard time being hurt by him in an S&M scene
6) A loss of physical attraction
7) I think that "sex is bad, it causes problems" so it's easier to not have sex
8) I want to have really disgusting nasty sex that he's not into
9) I'm looking for cheap no-strings-attached sex with strangers... not my partner
10) This is my first relationship - I have no idea what I'm doing
11) I'm not used to touching/ being touched... I'm kind of like Rainman that way
12) I'm actually a slaveboy, and think that Masters are to be pleased, slaves don't cum
13) We settled into a boring routine, with dull sex right before he goes to sleep
14) I really like stories on the internet, and would rather cum that way
15) I've never really liked sex with my partner

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Argh. Some heavy shit right there.
I wish I had some sort of insight that could help.
I can be a sounding board if you need it, I guess that's all I got right now.

That's tough stuff.

You know, they do have counselors that could tease some of this out into the open for discussion.

It wasn't me. But thank you for the implied compliment. The message you excerpted does seem very thoughtful. :)

wow, you've given this much thought
I hope you carry it out to its conclusion and that you find some answers.

SORRY this is long and a bit preachy.

I really don't want to jump on the bandwagon of "free advice" but, something about you has always made me empathize with you.

I have been in a relationship with a man I met in 1991.

Up to that time I could stand no more than a year in a relationship. Usually MUCH less. They made me VERY unhappy. I am a strongly sexual person. With a wide taste in sexual activities and partners. Being reduced to a single person is/was VERY unnatural for me.

I was blessed with the insight to this about a year before I met my partner. And swore that I would never have to be in a releationship. I was happy with myself and I could count on friends and family for my emotional needs. Sex was going to come through the means that were natural to me. Fuck buddies, tricks, bathhouse orgies, whatever my mood required.

I thought that being in a relationship meant having to cut myself off from who I was.

Then I met Scott. Our second "Date" was an all night search for sexclubs in San Francisco. He arranged for my first five person sex act. He didn't flinch at my more indelicate sexual tastes. In fact, he indulged me dispite his disinterest in them. (Which I put a stop to when I found out) Like me, he realized that emotional monogamy was normal for him. But, sexual monogamy was abusive to his nature.

To this day. I love the hell out of him. I have sex with whomever pleases me. My sexual satisfaction is only limited by myself.

Thing is, I have watched my friends and loved ones go from unhappy relationship to unhappy relationship. All with the expectation that they would "change" to make it "work." Or that in order for the relationship to be "sucessful" it had to be a certain way. A lot of men buy into the strong belief that monogamy is the ONLY way to have a healthy relationship. A lie, to say the least.

Yes, monogamy IS natural to some men. We have no business getting into relationships with them. The need to seek out each other. We need to be with our own kind. Anything else is unfair to both kinds of men.

Life is tough. Life throws shit in our paths. Our relationships are supposed to help us rise above those problems by facing them together as a team. They are NOT supposed to be the problem themselves. If you have to work at making your relationship work, it means there might be something fundimentally incompatable going on.

part two follows due to lj cut off at 4300chtrs

Re: SORRY this is long and a bit preachy.


History is not a good enough reason to continue a relationship. Love is. Love. Not the belief in love. Not the expectation that you should feel love. Love isn't all happiness either. I knew I was really in love with my partner when it killed me to leave him. At my very core.

I don't feel jealousy because I know at my core where we both are together. I am completely honest with him because I know that he will love me anyway. If I can't be completely honest with him, then it means I am afraid that my relatioship is a fraud and that the truth will break the spell.

I tell him what I need. All of it. I tell him what makes me happy. All of it. He does the same with me. I don't know if this is the right way to be in a relationship. I just know that it has made me happier for the last 16 years that I ever dreamed of being before. I know that it is right for me.

Why am I telling you this?

Life is short. We don't know what's at the end of it. What comes after. But, we do know that we have now. Happiness is the best goal any individual can have in life. Everything else, mundane or spiritual should provide this.

My hope is that you can take stock in your self. Honestly. Openly. Willingly. Examine who you are. What makes you happy. What you need to feel whole. AND what leads you away from that happiness.

With that information in your hands, you are best equiped to judge your self and your current relationship. You are then able to see whether it is something that makes both of you happy. Or if it is holding you back from being yourselves.

Change hurts. Change is terrifying. But, once you dive off the cliff, it is exillerating when you let gravity pull you into the water below. When we jump out of our misery into what is nature for us. We stand out of our own ways and let things happen the way they should. Great things happen. Life happens. We fly and land safely in the water and people on the shore cheer you on.

Look around to see what holds you back from the edge. Decide where you want to go. Then jump.

I will stand on the shore with the rest of them and wait to applaud and cheer.

if enuf people add 2 cents each, eventually it adds up

It's pretty easy to see how complex this stuff gets. Even talking about it gets confusing. It's seriously difficult for ANYONE to maintain a high level of excitement about ongoing sexual activity with a single partner over the course of years. Even when both people try to do what gives pleasure to the other, there's a natural tendency towards repetition, which gets dull. The reason "mid-life crisis" is a cliche is that it's common. At this point, BOTH of you are sexually and emotionally unresponsive partners, and both of you deserve the credit for the result. The real problem here is economic as much as anything. Long term relationships are good things largely because they bring economic benefits, including safety and security. What's at risk here isn't love, happiness or even sex, it's money and things and the security that goes along.

Assuming that the partner is absolutely unwavering about negotiating change, your only viable choice is to make preparations to leave. No other choice is likely to create any movement at all. You've already left the relationship emotionally, so the decision has clearly already been made. It's down to taking action and mourning the loss. That said, you're already in an SM relationship. The problem is that you don't like the kind of pain you're getting or the sort of control that you are subject to. Being a submissive means learning to find joy in service, and you've apparently lost yours. If you can find a way to renegotiate with your current partner, your financial situation will be better and more stable. If you can't, the whole world will change, and probably not for the better, at least in the short term. To say the least, it's going to be a rough go with either choice. Take your time and try to make decisions that are not impulsive. If you want to stay where you are, at a minimum you'll have to find a way to convince your partner that you really do love him. This is one of those situations where legal marriage might really help, paradoxically. Perhaps you just need to find a way to deal with your needs AND your partner's, and the suggestion of a third party arbiter is an excellent one. Good luck.

Re: if enuf people add 2 cents each, eventually it adds up

Thanks for the $0.02!

>At this point, BOTH of you are sexually and emotionally unresponsive
Actually, the emotional thing has been great lately - lots of talking, cuddling, love...

>The real problem here is economic... money and things and the security that goes along.
Maybe for some relationships, but we're doing great on money. However, there *are* power and control issues I think related to jobs and careers. The S&M Master/slave twist to it doesn't help.

>Assuming that the partner is absolutely unwavering about negotiating change,
>your only viable choice is to make preparations to leave

Yes that's where I was. If my partner wasn't going to open the relationship a little - I was ready to walk. However, it's a good thing he has not made that decision, and doesn't look like he is going to.

>You've already left the relationship emotionally
No, not yet. But yeah, I was preparing to.

>Being a submissive means learning to find joy in service
Ooh, this needs more thinking. My partner and I met in a dungeon - I was tied to a leather bench. But over 13 years, we turned more into boyfriends. So, there's the confusing situation of me being a sub, still wanting to serve, enjoying serving (and I still do it a lot for him in many ways), but not "buying" my partner as a dom. Still, sometimes I wonder if what I need is a hardcore 24/7 Master to make me do things - and the idea terrifies me as much as it thrills me.

Now that you have heard everyones take on your life consider this: Everything everyone thinks about anothers relationships is bullshit. Only you and your partner can really come to any meaningfull conclusions about your life together .What will happen to you two is what one or both of you either want or need nothing more nothing less. good luck

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