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Happy Birthday
Gas Mask

I turn 38 this Monday, July 23, and it looks like for my birthday my boyfriend’s giving me a divorce.

So, this afternoon, I replied to an email from a Master that I know here in Denver. Here is the email I sent:

Hello Sir! May i serve You next Wednesday, July 18? i would be honored – as usual…

However, instead of clicking on “Reply”, I hit “Reply To All”, and ended up sending the email to one hundred leathermen here in Denver. One of them immediately called up my boyfriend and told him I’ve been cheating.

So, that was an expensive accident. My partner is moving out next month. Thirteen years of a relationship down the drain. I just wish I knew which one of my “friends” spilled the beans. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s my own damn fault. But it’s just a damn shame…

Youch! Sorry to hear that!

Yeah, my own damn fault. I'm an idiot.

Gotta wonder what motivates that guy.

well, if he can't have a discussion with you about that and that is the response then you really don't have much to work with. Maybe he is just angry and needs to cool off for a bit. See what happens in the next few days. I hope for the best for you.

I really think this is it. I mean, I've posted hints of this for the last two weeks - lots of long agonizing conversations and hurt feelings lately.

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Nah - I can't fault him, unless he's hoping to split us up and grab one on the rebound.

I think he was really trying to help. After all, I was the person cheating and covering it up badly. Maybe he thought it was a cry for help.

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Patrick - wow. I guess had I been in town I might be less floored by this but perhaps not. You two seemed really comfortable together.

I'm really sorry for you ... and for him, for not wanting to try to work this out with you.

Thanks. Everything's perfect about our relationship: money, friends, family, house, travel. It's just that monogamy ain't working for me anymore, and he doesn't want an open relationship. Just that one tiny detail...

Seems to me that 13 years together would trump this. Was this the cause or the catalyst?

That's purely rhetorical; you owe me (nor anyone else) any answers.

HUGS, baby. Be well & be strong. We earn our scars; this will make you a better man.

You've got my digits, use them anytime.

Nope that's just it - we were never able to convert a monogamous relationship into an open one. Sure, there were other issues: an inability to integrate S&M play into our sex, power dynamics with money, the fact I'm a slob, the usual bullshit. But it really didn't help that the Master I was playing with on a semi-weekly basis was the one person in Denver that my boyfriend detests.

WOW!!!!!! Sorry to hear that bud, hope you're ok

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Well, I'm being a little vague. It's actually a google newsgroup. When you send a message to the group, hitting the "reply" button pastes the entire newsgroup to the TO line. I'm a computer professional... I should know better.

Not sure what to say - based on what you've posted here it seems that you see yourself as having betrayed his trust. That's a terrible place to be, but before you beat yourself up too much make sure that this is in fact what happened.

In any case, big hugs to you both.

Yeah, love sucks. Promise me you won't go gay on me... it's a rough world out here! {grin}

You're never truly dressed without a smile.

On the bright side ... you've certainly solved your wanting-to-be-out-of-a-monogamous-relationship problem.

Seriously ... just decide that the next boyfriend will need to be accepting of an open relationship. You may be pleasantly surprised at what karma drops into your path.

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Speaking of 13 years to be a lot to throw away, I've occasionally thought about this sort of thing: how would I feel in the unlikely event I were to discover you had cheated on me (and I hadn't been invited to the party, heh), or you'd magically become abusive, or the like. I know it's nuts, given our relationship now, but... I do weird thought experiments like that - planning for "what-if?" scenarios. And I've thought about those kinds of things more than once.

And you know what? Back when we our relationship was on the rocks, my answer would have been that I'd unilaterally split us up, immediately, with no chance of a reconciliation.

If it happened today, I'd say we'd certainly have to have a long talk about my hurt feelings, and maybe go back to Sharon for more counseling, and stuff like that.

What's the difference between then and now?

Back then, I probably was looking for an excuse to end the relationship, in spite of our love. Now, our relationship and our love is more important to me than a single incident like that. It is stronger, and I think it could survive a lot of damage.

So, I'm thinking (well okay, projecting) that M is looking for an excuse to end the relationship. Infidelity doesn't have to be the end if one really desires to rescue the relationship - but it sure makes a fine excuse if one doesn't... :(


Don't know about you, but I feel rotten without a partner to share life with.

Yeah, I feel pretty rotten. But I was getting tired of waiting until he was out of the house before I could jack off.

"You know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," says Dr. Phil. "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."

God strike me dead for quoting Phil McGraw, but I wish someone had told my ex this.

It alarms me how gay men expect relationships to fail. You shouldn't quit until you're sure.

Try to get counseling. Even if breaking up is the right thing, counseling can help smooth that process.

qingting and I were both fairly pessimistic about our relationship's chances when we started counseling.

A thought: BOTH parties really need to be focused on their partner's needs and desires, not their own. Otherwise, you are unlikely to stay together. And of course that only works if you both believe in it and live it.

sorry to hear it bud
I've got nothing when it comes to relationships.
But I do give pretty decent hugs.