July 8th, 2007

Black eye


After 13 years, my boyfriend and I are talking about splitting up.

It’s all about sex. I hate being a cliché, but you know the story: my boyfriend met me when he was 48 and I was 24… he was my first gay relationship after I came out the year before. We were monogamous for the first seven years, started doing 3-ways and sex parties after that, but by 10 years, we weren’t having sex with each other. Two years ago, I rediscovered leather, and I want to play with guys by myself as either top or bottom. My boyfriend says if I do that, he will leave.

My sex life revolves around reading stories on the internet, or turning on the webcam. Last year, my boyfriend let me play with a mutual friend twice, and that was nice. But two times a year at the age of 37, and I’m unfulfilled. I get my boyfriend off every night… “helping” if you know what I mean. But I’m not interested in him reciprocating back to me. Don’t know why not. Maybe I'm angry, maybe it's too vanilla.

The last three weeks have sucked. My boyfriend and I spend every evening in long sad conversations. I’ve walked through the house, mentally splitting up the furniture between “mine” and “his”. The problem is, we’ve got a huge fucking house that would be impossible for me to live in alone. So, I’m looking at a breakup, a move, and possibly a new job if I leave Denver. That’s a lot to dread.

I see four options. We stay monogamous, in which case he’s happy and I’m not. An open relationship where I’m happy and he isn’t. A complete breakup. Or some kind of partially open relationship where I can go out on my own within some ground rules. I’m in favor of the last alternative, but it requires thinking and planning, and my boyfriend doesn’t want to discuss the issue until we come to it. I see that as a recipe for disaster.

2007 has been fucking shitty so far. My dad had surgery for lung cancer, along with health problems for an aunt and an uncle. The worst thing is, I don’t think my boyfriend and I will actually split up. Instead, I fear that we’ll milk this misery for another few years. The argument hasn’t changed since two years ago – we just keep rehashing the same old things. We’ll see if a couple’s therapist on Tuesday will help.

I still love everything about my boyfriend: his sense of humor, his caring, his mind. We don’t argue about money, family, travel, or cleaning around the house. There’s just this one issue, but I haven’t been able to find a solution for it. Thanks for the support from LJ… I’m sure a lot of you guys have been through something like this.
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