December 27th, 2007

Injury

Fuck

2007 was the year I stopped loving my boyfriend. That's a loaded word: "love". Sure, I still love him, but now it's in a different way.

To recap:

  • I met my boyfriend in 1994. I was 24, he was 48. We met in a leather sex dungeon, so I can't really complain that my partner is vanilla, or that he doesn't like kinky sex.
  • But after a few years of the relationship, the sex died out. I turned to jacking off by myself, and flirting with guys on the internet.
  • Even now, every night, I still get my partner off. I play with his nipples and dick while he jacks off. But I have no desire for his to reciprocate.
  • I don't know why I don't what my partner to touch me. It could be that I'm not physically attracted to me. Or it could be a weird slave mentality where I don't think I'm worthy of pleasure in return. Or it could be a childish method to punish him. Or a passive-aggressive attempt to end the relationship. I've got a bunch more reasons, but none of them seem to fully explain the situation.
  • I'm not sure why my partner accepts this arrangement, but I know why I stick around. I love the guy.
  • I told my partner two years ago that monogamy wasn't working for me. He said he'd "think about it". Nothing happened.
  • My boyfriend said that he would leave me if I ever cheated on him.
  • I started cheating on my boyfriend in 2007. There was a leather top who would do horrible, wonderful things to me every Wednesday afternoon. Plus, he is emotionally distant, so I knew we'd never start a relationship. It worked pretty good for about three months.
  • In a comedic turn of events, the entire Denver leather community found about my infidelity when I hit "reply all" to an email, instead of replying to a personal email to that leather top. Oops.
  • Lots of fighting with the the boyfriend. Man, I didn't know I could cry so much. My boyfriend and I would talk and fight and cry for hours every night, It got to the point where I would dread coming home after work, because I knew that a long emotionally draining talk would ensue. Hours of agony every night.
  • So that's how I stopped loving my boyfriend. Enough pain, and eventually I didn't give a shit anymore if he left or not.


Please keep in mind that the above chronology is mine, and that you're only hearing half of the story. My boyfriend might disagree. For example, I remember trying to convince him to open the relationship for a year before I started cheating on him. He remembers things differently. Did we fight before I found out I was screwing around? I think so... but now I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just a bad person, and was unfaithful before I tried working things out. I like to think that I tried to talk to him before things turned to shit.

I want an open relationship where I share *all* the details of my infidelities. For example, if my partner goes out and gets a "little strange" I want to know how long it was, and what they did. What positions were attempted. What fluids were shot in what places. I don't have any jealousy... I'm happy for him to get laid. For example, about three months ago, my partner found a boy of his own. I'd say that we have a polyamorous threesome, but the new boy doesn't seem to like me very much. The new boy wants monogamy, and is waiting around for the primary relationship to break up. But I couldn't be happier that the two of them are fucking like crazy. At least someone in the house is getting some.

I think I expected my partner to eat shit and smile. I wanted him to book an afternoon session for me with a bondage master, pack me lunch, and send me off with a kiss on the cheek and a smile. It turns out that he is nowhere near ready for that level of unemotion. Instead, we have a "don't ask don't tell" sort of detente, where I arrange secret meetings with various Denver men, and cover it up with stories about how I'm working late. Recent business trips out of town have been a great cover. Man, I really hate this arrangement, but I really like the sex. I've got to meet some wonderful men this year, and I really treasure some of the friendships I've made. However, I'm not sure how long this lifestyle can last. It's exhausting trying to find hours in the day for taking care of my boyfriend, as well as booking time for a trick.

In a way I'm happy for this turn of events. I think in my twenties, I had a rather co-dependent form of love for my partner. I was his boy, and I did a lot of things that I didn't like so I could pretend to have a perfect gay relationship. I went to a lot of boutiques, I did a lot of antiquing and shopping. Cocktail parties and brunches. I bought a big beautiful house and filled it with pretty things - none of which I wanted. Hey, don't feel too bad for me... there were trips to Spain and France and dining out and lots and lots of cuddling. But now, I have more of a relationship with my boyfriend as equals. I don't feel like I am subordinate to him anymore, and that's good at the same time it's a little said.

I feel like I've moved on, but I'm still stuck with this old life. I'm tired of the gay scene. I'm tired of small talk, of frilly shirts, and beer busts. I'm tired of living 90% of my life where nobody really cares where I am or what I'm doing. I want to go out and get a little dirty and muddy. I've got a head full of new hobbies and a shitload of new kinky fantasies. No of which my old partner shares with me. I'm kind of on a personal journey of discovery, and the biggest problem is that first adjective... it's "personal". I can't really bring my boyfriend along with me on the trip. But at the same time, I love the guy to death, and I don't want to break up over some illusion.

Fuck.
  • Current Music
    George Jones "He Stopped Loving Her Today"
Wetsuit

Mudcub's Guide to Getting Laid

So, now that my boyfriend and I have an open relationship, I've been trying to explore that. Here are some things I've learned:

Mudcub's Guide to Getting Laid

1. Never Give Up

This one is the hardest of them all. After several rejections, it's really hard to keep approaching guys when you know you'll get shot down. It's much easier to say "fuck it" and retreat to a single life surrounded by books and cats. But the rewards of finding a great guy are worth it, even if this whole process sucks incredibly.

2. Be Specific

Don't say "let's get together" or "let's do lunch". Tell a guy you like him. Pick a date and time - say "how about next Friday at 6:00 pm, we meet at the Wrangler bar for a drink?" If the guy makes excuses, it's a pretty good guess that it's never going to happen. In the worst case, I tell a guy I'm interested in that I'll be at a certain place, wearing a certain outfit, and then it's up to him if he wants to meet me. Then, I don't feel like I'm waiting around or I'm stood up. I pick a fun place that I would have gone to anyway.

3. Make Someone's Fantasy

This is why I love kinky people. If they have a specific fetish, they're often more open to hooking up. They really want to be spanking, or to lick someone's feet, and they're not too choosy at who fulfills the other role for the sex. I'm lucky that I'm pretty much horny all the time, and open to all sorts of new things. I find that if I indulge their deepest rarest fantasy, they might reciprocate for me. Even on a bad night, at least one of us has good sex that they enjoy, and that's not a bad thing.

4. The Internet Is Your Friend

I'm not into anonymous sex. I've never really tried it. But even if the guy is a hot hairy bear, I'm not really turned on by a quick blowjob in a public park bathroom. I really like to get to know what a guy's into, and I love it when his fetishes and likes/dislikes match mine. The internet is great for that. http://www.recon.com has been good to me, as has http://www.gearfetish.com. At the same time http://www.bigmusclebears.com hasn't really done much for me, nor has http://www.homorodeo.com or http://www.gaycowboycentral.com, but I keep hitting those. But nothing beats a good old internet email exchange, complete with photos. Yahoo webcams and icuii.com are even better, though I've never actually met any of those faces on my computer screen in person.

5. On Profiles, Lie Lie Lie

Ok, I break this rule a lot. If I was a Smart Bear, I would trim down my profile, and make myself appear to be the most normal bland person I could be. Instead, most of my internet descriptions read like nasty pig porn. I should probably drop off the most extreme fantasies and tastes, but I can't bring myself to do so. I'd have to think I'd sell myself as something I'm not, but I bet I'd get laid a lot more. A lot of guys read the fact that I'm into heavy S&M and shitsex and that's a hard limit for them. They write me off like a bad check, and that's too bad for me. Note: I'll definitely scale back my extreme tastes to yours. And I'll expand my horizons if you're kinkier than me.

6. Pack Your Suitcase

After you've worked your way through the entire gay community where you live, you can always travel. If you're into something specific sexually, there might be only a few dozen guys in America who are into what you're into. And you can be sure that none of them live nearby... that's an Internet rule. A more than having a common kink, a possibly partner also has to be horny, in the mood to hook up, and in the proper mental state to be looking for sex. This limits the dating pool even further. So, go west for young men!

7. Forgive and Forget

This one is hard. For example, here is a personal message to "Master Steve": Fuck you, asshole. Or rather, "don't fuck you", because even though I've been nothing but polite to you, sending emails and chatting you up at the bar, you've been nothing but rude and arrogant towards me. I think it's time to realize you're an aging queen who's lack of sexual activity is due to a bad personality rather than any standards on your part. Whew - felt good to get that off my chest. Good thing he doesn't read LiveJournal. My point is... I never said any of those things to the guy in person. Every so often, I say hello to the guy. Hell, I'll leave the possibility open that we hook up someday - the guy is pretty muscular and cute. Master Steve, call me!

8. Life Is Not A Mountain Dew Commercial

This one takes some explaining. In high school, I was depressed when I watched Mountain Dew ads, because the teenage actors in the commercials were always doing such fun things: riding horseback, playing touch football, and jumping off rope swings into creeks full of crystal clear water. Meanwhile, my highschool years were filled with Dungeons & Dragons with other male geeks, and jacking off to my dad's porn magazines in the downstairs bathroom of my parent's house. It wasn't until college that I realized that the lifestyles portrayed by Mountain Dew were completely invented by Madison Ave in order to make the average teenager feel inadequate. I found myself appreciating what I had a lot more, instead of trying to live up to a fictitious ideal. In a similar way, I often jealous when I read about guys in LJ constantly having great sex lives full of leather contests and bondage weekends. True, some people are probably having fabulous kinky play parties every night, but most of us are lucky to have good sex once a month. Possibly even one or two times a YEAR. So, stop comparing the amount of sex you're getting with everyone else. If 2008 brings you only one toe crunching amazing orgasm with a new friend that you find online... well, you're ahead of the game of life.

9. Be Fearless

Do something you've always wanted to do. For me last year, it was playing rugby. I always wanted to do it, but to find a team and lace up those boots and get on the field was really really hard. To tell the truth, I still really suck at rugby, and often I'm an embarrassment to the team. But you know what? At least I'm out there, struggling and sweating. There are guys I know who run circles around me, but they're not playing. They came to one practice and then quit. The hardest part is to figure out what goals you have... when I was sitting around my house in 2006, rugby never cane to mind. I kind of fell into it. Figuring out your dreams is really really hard... and often they don't show up on a list because you think they're impossible, I've got four or five other fantasies in my head, but I have no idea now I can ever carry them out. But this year, I resolve to try to make them happen, or make them appear a step closer.

10. Fuck it

Fuck it. Seriously, nobody cares if you're getting laid or not except yourself. Stay at home if you want to. Jack off to a website or a bunch of pictures in your saved folder. Nobody's keeping score.
  • Current Music
    Barry White "Let's Get It On"