January 9th, 2009


Alone in a Hotel Room with Mudcub

My new toothbrush vibrates. My new razor vibrates. My hairbrush vibrates. Since when do all bathroom toletries need batteries? When did that happen? I looked away, and the next thing I know, my dental floss is an MP3 player. It's hard enough sending your carry-on luggage through airport security, what with all the little see-thru 1-quart baggies full of 3-ounce bottles. But now my shaving kit looks like a bomb.

And you know what guys are doing with vibrating razors? That's right... they're sticking up their asses. Hopefully handle-end first, but you never know. I hope they're not brushing their teeth with their vibrating toothbrushes after using them in other orifices. But again, you never know. A little mint toothpaste, and you could prevent cavities in your anal cavity. And how can you not be enticed? The handle already looks like a little dildo: smooth rubber curves, ridges and bumps in all the right places.

I swear, sometime in the last ten years, the greatest engineering minds of our generation stopped making better power stations and automobiles, and switched to tennis shoes.  Have you looked at a pair of Nikes lately? State-of-the-art polymer materials for the sole... tread patterns modeled by finite-element analysis running on supercomputers to calculate the amount of overpronation. My new running shoes look like little nuclear submarines, with side vents, air bladders, and molded stress girders. That's ok. We didn't need renewable energy or healthier food. I've got $100 foot protection for when I go to the mall.

But the toothbrushes take the cake for stupid useless engineering. When I was a kid, my toothbrush was a few dingy white bristles attatched to a wodden stick. I think I used the same type of brush to clean the pots and pans that I used in my mouth (the same *type* not the exact same brush). And we liked it! We loved it! There were no options for bristles like hard, medium, or soft bristles. All toothbrushes came in a gum-scouring hardness guaranteed to make your mouth bleed. And the only toothpaste was pure baking soda. That's if you were lucky and didn't have to use lye soap.

I was ok when toothbrushes started coming in plastic. Then the bent handle... that was great, it felt nice. But now there are rotating bristles and flex points and toothbrushes that change color to tell you when you should throw them away and buy another one. (note, the manufacturer would like you to use them once and buy a new one at $10 each). My newest toothbrush has an on off switch, and TWO separate vibrating zones... one near the handle and a second twisting area at the tip of the head. So you KNOW it's been up my butt.

Picture me (if you dare): I'm alone in a hotel room on a business trip. I've had a long day of boring meetings, and I'm horny. Why am I horny? Because there's nothing to do in the room but watch bad cable TV, so I'm using the free wireless access to surf the internet. Eventually, my browser turns to porn (I swear it does it by itself! It FORCES me to look at it!). I get excited, and I need something to shove up my ass. I look around the room frantically. What to use, what to use? A shampoo bottle? Nah, too small. Computer mouse? Too big, and it's already having trouble tracking the cursor as it is. There are the water glasses, all hygenically lined up on the counter already wrapped in little plastic single-use condoms. It's a nice big size, but I've seen "1 Guy 1 Cup" video on the internet, so I know better than to stick breakable glass up my asshole. That leaves the toothbrush.

And then there are the full-length mirrors. Oh, those hotels know what they are doing. Yes, even Marriot, which is owned by the Mormons and where gay people aren't supposed to stay any more. The mirrors are conveniently placed facing the bed. It's solely intended to promote masturbation. Every gay man knows mirrors are supposed to be placed at an angle to make your living space look larger. People are supposed to sit in your small 200 square foot studio apartment and think... wow! There's another room over there! I wonder why Patrick doesn't move some of his stuff into that OTHER room so this one isn't so crowded with crap!

But the mirrors in hotels directly face the bed. So, they aren't being used for decorative purposes. These are completely functional mirrors, used to show off the person jacking off. Or, you can turn around and use them to examine your own butthole. Cough... so I've heard. The mirrors also serve to scare the shit out of you at 3 in the morning when you wake up to piss. You're in a strange hotel room, and all of a sudden you catch an image in the mirror of a large hairy man coming toward you with a morning hard-on. Maybe you might like that idea, but it usually freaks the hell out of me.

There is a reason "hand lotion" is supplied at every hotel in America. Nobody is using it on their hands. I think hotels just should just be honest and give away a free tube of Astroglide and a package of condoms with every room. Maybe they could place them on top of the Gideon bible in the drawer of each side table. Every year, men are hurt by sticking breakable objects up their asses: lightbulbs, bottles from the minibar. I'd love to raise money to make sure every American gets a free silicone dildo and the instructions on how to use it. That's a government program I could really get behind. A chicken in every pot. So to speak.

I'm sure you've seen the TV new shows where they show a hotel room under a black light to expose all the "emissions" that have been there before you. You may think it's gross, but that's the way things are. I say you should embrace the fact that you're paying $140 a night to sleep in a cum-soaked house of DNA. Write your name on the walls in semen! See if everything in the hotel room will fit up your ass! Hint: curtain rods can be unscrewed. Also, those "luggage racks" with the canvas straps make handy rimchairs if you already didn't bring your own.

But if you're staying in a hotel room that I've been in previously... don't touch the closet doorknobs without a towel. I'm just warning you.

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