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The State of Mudcub
Here’s how I spent my weekend. I know it doesn’t look like it from the photo, but I had a very good time.

I get jealous when I read about leathermen on LiveJournal. They seem to have such a great “Sex In The City” lifestyle: going out to brunch, with flogging in the afternoon, followed by puppy play and an orgy later that night. What I’m yearning for is a sense of community, a group of kinky friends who I can hang out with and have filthy sex later. LiveJournal has given me a little of that, and I’m grateful for this website.

Luckily, I’m horny, desperate, and a switch. So, I’m happy enough being the top, bottom, or anything in between. I like to play with women too, so now I can be rejected by pretty much the entire leather population. The problem is, I’m looking for something, and I don’t really know what it is. It’s kind of like traditional S&M, but not really.

I get turned on by forced feeding. Simply because it’s a way to prove that my Master owns *all* my holes: ass and throat, too. I love being forced to do things. I think that I’m scared of a lot of stuff that excites me, so to have a guy order me to roll in the dirt gives me an excuse to let that playful side of myself out. I also crave new experiences, so to taste or smell something unusual is a gift. Man, I love to sweat and stink. Pain, heavy bondage, training, mummification, punishment… they are all tools to make me into something different than the way I am right now.

Cheap sex and short scenes can be fun. But, I’m tired of unimaginative leathersex: the nipple clamps, spankings, those strange little leather “nazi” caps all the masters wear. I want a Master who will fuck with me. I’m still trying to figure this out, and I’m expressing it wrong. But I want a guy who knows he owns me… but not like a pet or a precious objet d’art. More like something that should be teased and hurt on a regular basis. Maybe I just need a good sadist in my life.

Now, I don’t want to sound like a pushy bottom. I love following orders… doing whatever “the nice man tells me to do”. I’m perfectly happy to do things I don’t like in order to make the Top happy. For example, I don't like giving blowjobs, but I'll do it if I have to. In fact, the sick part of my mind *likes* the fact that I sometimes have to give a blowjob when I don't like to give blowjobs, if that makes sense. It’s just that lately I’m searching for something more. Or maybe something less.

When I was in high school, I wanted someone who wanted to hang out with me. And I found that, and it was nice. But then in college I wanted someone who wanted to *fuck* me. And that was great also, but still not enough. As an adult, I wanted someone to truly and deeply love me, and I found that. But now I want someone to understand me, and that’s proving the toughest of them all. Maybe because I don’t truly understand myself.

Ok,  enough drama. Who wants a blowjob?

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Do you think it's only one person? Or "polyamory"? Or a series of tricks? I don't know...

Honestly... no, I don't think its only one person. At least not for me.
For me, one person isn't everything. Love comes in many forms and from many people. Adventures and exploration of self and experiences come more than just one person.

I do understand the concept of a One True Love, but I've never understood how that should limit one's life.

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