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Mudcub's Guide to Getting Laid
So, now that my boyfriend and I have an open relationship, I've been trying to explore that. Here are some things I've learned:

Mudcub's Guide to Getting Laid

1. Never Give Up

This one is the hardest of them all. After several rejections, it's really hard to keep approaching guys when you know you'll get shot down. It's much easier to say "fuck it" and retreat to a single life surrounded by books and cats. But the rewards of finding a great guy are worth it, even if this whole process sucks incredibly.

2. Be Specific

Don't say "let's get together" or "let's do lunch". Tell a guy you like him. Pick a date and time - say "how about next Friday at 6:00 pm, we meet at the Wrangler bar for a drink?" If the guy makes excuses, it's a pretty good guess that it's never going to happen. In the worst case, I tell a guy I'm interested in that I'll be at a certain place, wearing a certain outfit, and then it's up to him if he wants to meet me. Then, I don't feel like I'm waiting around or I'm stood up. I pick a fun place that I would have gone to anyway.

3. Make Someone's Fantasy

This is why I love kinky people. If they have a specific fetish, they're often more open to hooking up. They really want to be spanking, or to lick someone's feet, and they're not too choosy at who fulfills the other role for the sex. I'm lucky that I'm pretty much horny all the time, and open to all sorts of new things. I find that if I indulge their deepest rarest fantasy, they might reciprocate for me. Even on a bad night, at least one of us has good sex that they enjoy, and that's not a bad thing.

4. The Internet Is Your Friend

I'm not into anonymous sex. I've never really tried it. But even if the guy is a hot hairy bear, I'm not really turned on by a quick blowjob in a public park bathroom. I really like to get to know what a guy's into, and I love it when his fetishes and likes/dislikes match mine. The internet is great for that. has been good to me, as has At the same time hasn't really done much for me, nor has or, but I keep hitting those. But nothing beats a good old internet email exchange, complete with photos. Yahoo webcams and are even better, though I've never actually met any of those faces on my computer screen in person.

5. On Profiles, Lie Lie Lie

Ok, I break this rule a lot. If I was a Smart Bear, I would trim down my profile, and make myself appear to be the most normal bland person I could be. Instead, most of my internet descriptions read like nasty pig porn. I should probably drop off the most extreme fantasies and tastes, but I can't bring myself to do so. I'd have to think I'd sell myself as something I'm not, but I bet I'd get laid a lot more. A lot of guys read the fact that I'm into heavy S&M and shitsex and that's a hard limit for them. They write me off like a bad check, and that's too bad for me. Note: I'll definitely scale back my extreme tastes to yours. And I'll expand my horizons if you're kinkier than me.

6. Pack Your Suitcase

After you've worked your way through the entire gay community where you live, you can always travel. If you're into something specific sexually, there might be only a few dozen guys in America who are into what you're into. And you can be sure that none of them live nearby... that's an Internet rule. A more than having a common kink, a possibly partner also has to be horny, in the mood to hook up, and in the proper mental state to be looking for sex. This limits the dating pool even further. So, go west for young men!

7. Forgive and Forget

This one is hard. For example, here is a personal message to "Master Steve": Fuck you, asshole. Or rather, "don't fuck you", because even though I've been nothing but polite to you, sending emails and chatting you up at the bar, you've been nothing but rude and arrogant towards me. I think it's time to realize you're an aging queen who's lack of sexual activity is due to a bad personality rather than any standards on your part. Whew - felt good to get that off my chest. Good thing he doesn't read LiveJournal. My point is... I never said any of those things to the guy in person. Every so often, I say hello to the guy. Hell, I'll leave the possibility open that we hook up someday - the guy is pretty muscular and cute. Master Steve, call me!

8. Life Is Not A Mountain Dew Commercial

This one takes some explaining. In high school, I was depressed when I watched Mountain Dew ads, because the teenage actors in the commercials were always doing such fun things: riding horseback, playing touch football, and jumping off rope swings into creeks full of crystal clear water. Meanwhile, my highschool years were filled with Dungeons & Dragons with other male geeks, and jacking off to my dad's porn magazines in the downstairs bathroom of my parent's house. It wasn't until college that I realized that the lifestyles portrayed by Mountain Dew were completely invented by Madison Ave in order to make the average teenager feel inadequate. I found myself appreciating what I had a lot more, instead of trying to live up to a fictitious ideal. In a similar way, I often jealous when I read about guys in LJ constantly having great sex lives full of leather contests and bondage weekends. True, some people are probably having fabulous kinky play parties every night, but most of us are lucky to have good sex once a month. Possibly even one or two times a YEAR. So, stop comparing the amount of sex you're getting with everyone else. If 2008 brings you only one toe crunching amazing orgasm with a new friend that you find online... well, you're ahead of the game of life.

9. Be Fearless

Do something you've always wanted to do. For me last year, it was playing rugby. I always wanted to do it, but to find a team and lace up those boots and get on the field was really really hard. To tell the truth, I still really suck at rugby, and often I'm an embarrassment to the team. But you know what? At least I'm out there, struggling and sweating. There are guys I know who run circles around me, but they're not playing. They came to one practice and then quit. The hardest part is to figure out what goals you have... when I was sitting around my house in 2006, rugby never cane to mind. I kind of fell into it. Figuring out your dreams is really really hard... and often they don't show up on a list because you think they're impossible, I've got four or five other fantasies in my head, but I have no idea now I can ever carry them out. But this year, I resolve to try to make them happen, or make them appear a step closer.

10. Fuck it

Fuck it. Seriously, nobody cares if you're getting laid or not except yourself. Stay at home if you want to. Jack off to a website or a bunch of pictures in your saved folder. Nobody's keeping score.

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Fucking damn the miles between us!!

The things I would do to you.

I think you mean *with* me {grin}

5. Many interests in common here, but I'm afraid I limit their announcement to sites that are far more perv appropriate. I scared off too many people with my old AOL profile. As it is now, I hopelessly understate my interests.

7. Forgive and forget? Fuhgedaboutit. There are some out there with whom I will never ever consider connecting. Too much drama, and all on their parts. The scabies were the least of it, thank you.

6. Travel? I've had problems here. Too many men have expressed themselves hot and heavy and then have not been quite so, er, accomodating in person. I don't travel for anyone anymore unless there's history, either with me or someone reliable (trick of a trick of a trick).

9. Almost did the rugby thing myself, but then I tried to figure out what it was about the rugby that attracted me. Was I really interested in the game, or did I really see it as a way of desperately trying to assert my masculinity (or FIND my masculinity some would suggest). And frankly, thinking about it, the game itself doesn't really interest me. Though what really capped it off was the night the local club came to the Dugout on Christopher St, trying to determine if it could become an appropriate club bar for them. And in the middle of the regular bear night they pulled out photocopied sheets of rugby songs. Photocopied sheets have all the joyous spontaneity of a May Day parade in Red Square, and I'm not sure the club realized how many men there that night commented on same.

About 5... yeah, I know what you mean. If I really let my freak flag fly, I risk chasing away just about everybody. But then again, I have the problem that if I *don't* give a hint or two, I'll be stuck with vanilla sex with people who who be disgusted if they knew what I was really thinking while I blow them!

About the rugby thing... heh. Yeah, they're trying too hard! It's really hard to get a culture going... gay rugby in the US is such a new thing. But you are right - it's just a sport.

Yet at the same time, my evil twin turbillion is thoroughly blatant and does quite well. go figure.

This is one of the best posts I've ever read. Ever. I'm not kidding.

We should chat sometime. I really like the way your mind works.

I'll let you know if it works out for me in 2008

Excellent post.

I didn't see Bear411 in your list. Some folks have removed it from their radar, but say what you will, I can almost always find some total hotster (or more than one) who wants to get together on there. In fact, when traveling, I've actually had people recognize me from B411. The ability to change your location instantly helps -- you can let people know where you are going to be.

The one thing I don't like -- okay, one of several -- is that you can't really hide that you are on. There's a few guys in the area that I don't necessarily like IMing me over and over the instant I log on, every time.

And Bear Bar nights...

Oh man! I forgot all about bear411. I have a love/hate relationship with the bears. When I came out in 1992 at the age of 22, the bears were a huge focus of my identity. Then, I realized that they aren't necessarily the rugged honest blue-collar men I thought they were. I'm starting to think a bear party is just a bunch of fat hairy guys trying to get laid (myself included). When I wore my carhartts and flannel at IBR a few years ago - I just felt stupid.

Bra fucking vo!

This is an overall last three posts comment. Way to just let it out bud! I seriously commend that! I know what its like after in a 5 yr relationship and still loving someone but not wanting to be with them physically. Its tough, its two years later and im still scared as hell to put myself out there again. Your 10 ways to put yourself out there is being printed and read daily! I can make friends and meet people like anything but when it comes to meeting someone im really interested in i freeze the fuck up and go into lock down and end up living a life full of shouldve coudlve woudlves. Thanks for giving me a good 2008 kick in the ass! Your gonna do it bud, your fucking smart and you know what you want and soon youll the find the right kinky fucker youve been looking for! I spend way too much time looking at others and using that to judge myself..... never works out.

Thanks bud! Putting yourself out there has done alot more than you know! Youve got balls bud big furry sweaty kinky balls! Now its time for me to grab mine and do something with em.


So... why does the sex thing die after a few years? It's such a common story that there's gotta be a reason for it. Lesbian Bed Death?

I wanna do nasty things to you.

Well maybe I'm wrong to write off the bears too quickly. In every bear club there are a handful of really kinky leather guys. I just think it's hard to find them. They don't seem to let on that they are "different" until you're actually having sex with them. Then it's a slow cautious fumbling, I've found. Meanwhile, the leather groups seem to wear hankies a broadcast to the world their kink.

"They don't seem to let on that they are "different" until you're actually having sex with them. Then it's a slow cautious fumbling, I've found."

You mean.. kinda like what yer doin' in "de-kinking" your various profiles? Just a thought there.. they're likely acting on the same instinct you are. And.. who says you can't flag at the bear events, cub? Don't have to be in their face about it.. a simple hanky will do.. the guys that need to pick up on it will. That's how the whole tradition of "flagging" originated.

Also.. wanna let you know I've really enjoyed reading your posts over the past year, and particularly appreciate your putting yourself out there in the last few.

*hugs 'n beatings*


yeah but that's why you talk to them, right? To find out what they're into first?

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Re: Make someones fantasy...

True - some of the best sex I've had have been with geeks. Of course, I like to hit on the big hairy musclebears, but a lot of them have attitude. The shy quiet guy is the one that will be tiger in the bedroom and a great lasting friend IMHO.

I think I could learn a lot of stuff from you.

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At least in Denver, Craigslist has a whole bunch of straight guys cruising for gay sex, in my limited experience. And that brings up a whole 'nother set of issues!

"Master Steve": Fuck you, asshole ----> Master Steve, call me!

hahahaha... SO classic and SO true

I generally am honest in profiles - but in a kind of funny way. I use profiles as filters. It doesn't always work, of course, because not everybody reads profiles.

But my Recon profile, for instance, is there to attract new subjects for bondage and photography, so I wrote the profile with that in mind. Those guys don't need to know that I'm a total CBT whore. I'm on Asspig (where I'm also "mcglothlen") to attract new fisting bottoms so my profile there is written to accomplish that. Those guys don't need to know that I'm into BDSM at all. And so on and so on. On (where I'm "ouch-1"), I pretty much let it all out in my profile because I don't really care what happens there. On GearFetish ("mcglothlen"), the profile is pretty useless for me, so I let my photographs do all the work for me.

Your number one rule is easiest for those of us in open relationships, I think. I truly have nothing to lose when I ask somebody if they're interested in playing.

Your post skates around another rule without actually saying it: go where the people go to play/have sex. BDSM guys should hit Inferno and Delta. There are fetish-specific events and groups all over the country (pack your suitcase). I know those events can seem daunting to those guys who haven't been to them, but the events in question aren't that scary in real life. They're attended by guys just like us, with blood running through their veins, with questions and self-doubts in their hearts. The difference is that they're willing to make the commitment they need to make to get 'er done (be fearless).

This is another rule I always add when talking to shy bottoms complaining about the fact that they never get played with: the more you play, the more you'll get to play. This is true particularly when we're talking about activities where skills or willingness are factors. I get to tie up as many people as I get to tie up NOT because of my charming personality (although it is charming) or my dazzling good looks (what?!?!?). I get to tie people up because I'm seen tying people up and because word of mouth works. A reputation is a pretty big deal in networks of kinky people and fetishists. So play often and play with enthusiasm.

Which leads me to my final comment: if you do go to these events - don't let yourself get sucked into the management of these events. There's no surer way to guarantee that you won't get laid then to get yourself on some kink event COMMITTEE. What a tarpit that is. Seriously. Taking on responsibility, in this case, will not more you further up into the social stratosphere. It will show folks what a pretty doormat you are. (Did I just type that in public?)

Great, great post, mudcub! Thank you!

Edited at 2007-12-27 04:31 pm (UTC)

Great comment! Ah yeah, I forgot to talk about leather events. But for Delta and Inferno... I've never been. I need a sponsor or an invitation {fishing fishing... heh}

When I went to MAL last year, I didn't get laid at all. I went up and started conversations with 10 guys... but they went nowhere. Not a single guy came up and initiated a conversation with me - although I smiled and nodded a lot. I didn't get laid at IML either - all my friends were too busy with filled dancecards. And when I went to SmokeOut, I ended up having sex with a friend from Denver. Yeah, I flew 1000 miles to fuck a guy who lived a few blocks away. So, leather events haven't really worked out for me!

Plus, it's a little weird that you have to be 10 different people - all trying to attract a small segment of the gay population. Isn't there anyone who can love the entire uppityfaggot? Or do you have to make up the Perfect Man out of twenty guys: one person for fisting, one for bondage, two subs, three tops, etc. It's a little like Frankenstein.

I don't expect to find one guy (who I'm also incredibly attracted to) who's into everything that I'm into. But if I did find that one guy, I'd still be out chasing other guys because that's the way I'm wired.

I'm in an open relationship not because I'm not into the guy I'm with. I'm in an open relationship because I'm into the novelty of playing with new guys all the time. I find the very idea of being satisfied with a single sex partner preposterous.

I've never sought the Perfect Man because he simply wouldn't be enough. Or, to word it another way, the perfect man is the next one.

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I found the goons. They're in Brussels. Yeah Belgium.. home of french fries, kinky men, and lots of beer. I've seen those huge German/Polish looking policemen, as well as the thick-necked Swedish types.

Your logic's sound. Personally, I've never had a problem finding a guy that I find attractive to play with and luring him into my trap, but a lot of the play is less then great-who hasn't had the abrocrombie guy in leather, thinking rough sex is lite bondage and fucking *yawn*. It's the quality playmates that are hard to find :)

Thanks for the advice, maybe this'll help me finally have sex with guy.

So... Do you want to go out 6:00pm on Friday the next time you are in Minneapolis? ;-)

Sorry, I'm busy that night {grin}

Thank-you for your insightful post. I'm glad that you live sexually in your head. Being smart, cerebral, sexy and proactive is a great collection of qualities I hope it serves you well.

I'd love to chat you up over a long while. I bet the conversation would be great and sexually charged. Brilliant.

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