mudcub (mudcub) wrote,

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Mudcub's Guide to Getting Laid

So, now that my boyfriend and I have an open relationship, I've been trying to explore that. Here are some things I've learned:

Mudcub's Guide to Getting Laid

1. Never Give Up

This one is the hardest of them all. After several rejections, it's really hard to keep approaching guys when you know you'll get shot down. It's much easier to say "fuck it" and retreat to a single life surrounded by books and cats. But the rewards of finding a great guy are worth it, even if this whole process sucks incredibly.

2. Be Specific

Don't say "let's get together" or "let's do lunch". Tell a guy you like him. Pick a date and time - say "how about next Friday at 6:00 pm, we meet at the Wrangler bar for a drink?" If the guy makes excuses, it's a pretty good guess that it's never going to happen. In the worst case, I tell a guy I'm interested in that I'll be at a certain place, wearing a certain outfit, and then it's up to him if he wants to meet me. Then, I don't feel like I'm waiting around or I'm stood up. I pick a fun place that I would have gone to anyway.

3. Make Someone's Fantasy

This is why I love kinky people. If they have a specific fetish, they're often more open to hooking up. They really want to be spanking, or to lick someone's feet, and they're not too choosy at who fulfills the other role for the sex. I'm lucky that I'm pretty much horny all the time, and open to all sorts of new things. I find that if I indulge their deepest rarest fantasy, they might reciprocate for me. Even on a bad night, at least one of us has good sex that they enjoy, and that's not a bad thing.

4. The Internet Is Your Friend

I'm not into anonymous sex. I've never really tried it. But even if the guy is a hot hairy bear, I'm not really turned on by a quick blowjob in a public park bathroom. I really like to get to know what a guy's into, and I love it when his fetishes and likes/dislikes match mine. The internet is great for that. has been good to me, as has At the same time hasn't really done much for me, nor has or, but I keep hitting those. But nothing beats a good old internet email exchange, complete with photos. Yahoo webcams and are even better, though I've never actually met any of those faces on my computer screen in person.

5. On Profiles, Lie Lie Lie

Ok, I break this rule a lot. If I was a Smart Bear, I would trim down my profile, and make myself appear to be the most normal bland person I could be. Instead, most of my internet descriptions read like nasty pig porn. I should probably drop off the most extreme fantasies and tastes, but I can't bring myself to do so. I'd have to think I'd sell myself as something I'm not, but I bet I'd get laid a lot more. A lot of guys read the fact that I'm into heavy S&M and shitsex and that's a hard limit for them. They write me off like a bad check, and that's too bad for me. Note: I'll definitely scale back my extreme tastes to yours. And I'll expand my horizons if you're kinkier than me.

6. Pack Your Suitcase

After you've worked your way through the entire gay community where you live, you can always travel. If you're into something specific sexually, there might be only a few dozen guys in America who are into what you're into. And you can be sure that none of them live nearby... that's an Internet rule. A more than having a common kink, a possibly partner also has to be horny, in the mood to hook up, and in the proper mental state to be looking for sex. This limits the dating pool even further. So, go west for young men!

7. Forgive and Forget

This one is hard. For example, here is a personal message to "Master Steve": Fuck you, asshole. Or rather, "don't fuck you", because even though I've been nothing but polite to you, sending emails and chatting you up at the bar, you've been nothing but rude and arrogant towards me. I think it's time to realize you're an aging queen who's lack of sexual activity is due to a bad personality rather than any standards on your part. Whew - felt good to get that off my chest. Good thing he doesn't read LiveJournal. My point is... I never said any of those things to the guy in person. Every so often, I say hello to the guy. Hell, I'll leave the possibility open that we hook up someday - the guy is pretty muscular and cute. Master Steve, call me!

8. Life Is Not A Mountain Dew Commercial

This one takes some explaining. In high school, I was depressed when I watched Mountain Dew ads, because the teenage actors in the commercials were always doing such fun things: riding horseback, playing touch football, and jumping off rope swings into creeks full of crystal clear water. Meanwhile, my highschool years were filled with Dungeons & Dragons with other male geeks, and jacking off to my dad's porn magazines in the downstairs bathroom of my parent's house. It wasn't until college that I realized that the lifestyles portrayed by Mountain Dew were completely invented by Madison Ave in order to make the average teenager feel inadequate. I found myself appreciating what I had a lot more, instead of trying to live up to a fictitious ideal. In a similar way, I often jealous when I read about guys in LJ constantly having great sex lives full of leather contests and bondage weekends. True, some people are probably having fabulous kinky play parties every night, but most of us are lucky to have good sex once a month. Possibly even one or two times a YEAR. So, stop comparing the amount of sex you're getting with everyone else. If 2008 brings you only one toe crunching amazing orgasm with a new friend that you find online... well, you're ahead of the game of life.

9. Be Fearless

Do something you've always wanted to do. For me last year, it was playing rugby. I always wanted to do it, but to find a team and lace up those boots and get on the field was really really hard. To tell the truth, I still really suck at rugby, and often I'm an embarrassment to the team. But you know what? At least I'm out there, struggling and sweating. There are guys I know who run circles around me, but they're not playing. They came to one practice and then quit. The hardest part is to figure out what goals you have... when I was sitting around my house in 2006, rugby never cane to mind. I kind of fell into it. Figuring out your dreams is really really hard... and often they don't show up on a list because you think they're impossible, I've got four or five other fantasies in my head, but I have no idea now I can ever carry them out. But this year, I resolve to try to make them happen, or make them appear a step closer.

10. Fuck it

Fuck it. Seriously, nobody cares if you're getting laid or not except yourself. Stay at home if you want to. Jack off to a website or a bunch of pictures in your saved folder. Nobody's keeping score.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.