trying to figure out why you stay with your partner, when things are so obviously not going well.
What's up with that?
1. I get a lot of my identity from my relationship. For example, if you asked who Patrick Kellogg was, I’d say that I’m kinky bear who is an algorithm analyst for the department of defense. I have a huge house, too many hobbies to count, and I’m in a 14 year relationship. If I lose my boyfriend, I’d probably have to sell the house. If I lose my job, which is a distinct possibility with layoffs planned soon, then I will have mostly lost everything that reminds me of myself. And that’s terrifying.
2. Down deep, I’m embarrassed at being gay. So, I like to be able to say, “I may be a cocksucker, but at least I’m in a long-term relationship. How’s *your* first marriage going?” It’s a big fuck you to Newt Gingrich and John McCain. By being in a monogamous partnership, I can pretend that I’m normal, and not a horrible promiscuous hedonist like gay people are portrayed as in the media.
3. I’m a faithful dog. When I say for better or for worse, for ever and ever, I mean it. Not only do I move in with a guy after the first date… I am too codependent to ever leave.
4. I’m a drama queen. I love arguing and talking and processing all the anger and issues that my boyfriend and I are having. After all, it’s all about me, and how I feel about stuff.
5. My mom and my partner are extremely close. They are each other’s best friends. If I broke up with Michael, it would devastate my mom. And I’d be hearing about my ex for years from both sides of the family.
6. It’s love. My partner is still the hottest bear in Denver. He is an amazingly kind man, and resistant to the catty sarcasm found so much in the gay world. He is decent, talented, and hard working. And he loves me very much in return. Too bad about the sex.
7. After seven years, things get weird. This is common in any long-term relationship, even cliché. The sex goes away, and small faults get amplified over time. What was a little argument ten years ago has now grown into a huge dysfunction. Let that be a warning to you.
8. Everything else in our relationship is great: money, family, travel, hobbies. We only have one argument, and while it’s a doozy, I don’t think it’s insurmountable. It’s just sex, and I would feel stupid to break up over something like an orgasm. I still hope my boyfriend would give me permission to meet guys by myself, travel to leather events alone, and have sex once a month. If I ask politely.
9. How would we ever divide up our stuff after 14 years? We have a huge 7 bedroom 5 bath mansion near Cheesman park in Denver. And every room is packed with knickknacks we have picked up on our trips. Right now is a terrible time to sell a house, and I’d probably lose a couple hundred thousand if I got out now.
10. I’m not sure I could survive a breakup. The minutia overwhelms me: packing, finding a new place, changing addresses. I fear that I would retreat into depression or worse.