mudcub (mudcub) wrote,

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Question #4

Question #4

tell me about your fear: what fascinates you abou it? What are your fears? I don't want to know about adrenaline, I want to know about the tension and release of confronting/being afraid and the catharsis of submission: letting go.

Last year, I met a Master who wanted me to make a list of all my likes and dislikes, what turned me on and what I feared most. (And then he used that list against me in the most devious ways... but that's a different story!)

Here is the list of my fears:

  • Dying
  • Suffocation
  • Permanent disfiguration
  • Becoming blind
  • Becoming HIV+
  • Humiliation in public
  • Looking stupid
  • Losing all my money

Permanent disfiguration is a funny one. I'm not actually afraid of chronic pain if is happens naturally. I am afraid that somebody will do something to me. For example, imagine that a drunk driver hits my car driven by a guy named Steve. What I fear is that for the rest of my life, whenever I have an ache or pain, I will curse the memory of Steve. And therefore the guy will have taken up residence permanently inside my brain. I guess my fear is that I won't have the strength to forgive, and I will be overcome by dreams of vengeance.

Otherwise, the other fears on my list are like a missing tooth in my mouth that I can't stop playing with. I constantly crave S&M scenes that push my limits. I want to understand for myself what terrifies me about humiliation, for example. Or what it's like to respond to losing air. I guess to respond to your question: the rush I get from confronting my fears is the knowledge that the worst things in my head aren't relaly as bad as I make them out to be.

However, these are still real fears. For me, none of these have anything to do with the high of slavery or the rush of catharsis. But none of that is a real fear - it's something different. I still get scared before every hockey game, and that's pretty stupid. Nobody really cares who wins and loses at low-level amateur hockey. So I wouldn't call those fears. Those are the price of admission.

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