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I read that the key to an open relationship is for both partners to agree on the rules of the game. So, I made a list of what my partner and I want out of polyamory and shared it with him:

His list

  1. No sex with Master Ted (this is a shame, because Ted is a great guy who has given me some of the best scenes of my life)
  2. No sleepovers (one of my wishes lately is to have a late Sunday morning sleep-in with annoyinghandle and a copy of the New York Times)
  3. Only meet guys at our house, preferably when my partner was home
  4. Only safe sex (I agree with this one, if it allows some slightly unsafe edgeplay)
  5. I should be home whenever my partner is home… no late nights away
  6. Limit computer use (stop surfing and chatting so much)
  7. Don’t cum when I am with other guys… save it for my partner later
  8. Try to only play together in threesomes
  9. My partner wants to meet any tricks beforehand, and reserve veto power if he doesn’t like them
  10. More hot sex with me (we haven’t really done anything together in a few years)
  11. I have to give all my cum to my partner
  12. Do more things together as a couple
  13. Show more love to each other

My list

  1. Complete sexual freedom – I get to decide who I have sex with, and when
  2. However, this is tempered with respect and love. For example, on a Friday night, I’d rather be with my partner than at the baths
  3. I would be able to tell my partner everything about all the hot encounters and scenes I had
  4. Sleepovers (but will try to limit to no more than twice a month)
  5. Travel occasionally to see the Master I met last month to serve Him for a weekend
  6. Attend leather conferences alone (but try to limit to no more than one weekend every other month)

As you can see, our lists diverge wildly. It seems my partner and I can love each other and stay together forever, but only if either 1) I stop having sex with other people and suck it up, or 2) my partner learns not to mind when I run around fucking other people and not him. I don’t see a compromise between those two positions. My partner notes that if he gives me one weekend a month, I will want two, and then three…

We talked about the above lists last night (before watching “Valley of the Dolls”). There was no crying, there was no argument. This is the first time we have both had the sad realization that our paths are not parallel, and that trying to remain together might be causing a hell of a lot more pain than a separation. I think this is the beginning of the end.

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Okay, this is totally none of my business, and I don't know you from adam. But as someone who's still kind of new to my own open and poly relationship, both your lists are kinda on the extreme.

If I were in your shoes, hell yeah I'd want the occasional sleep over and to be able to cum with tricks and play with my SIR! His list is pretty demanding.

If I were in your partner's shoes, I'd want more hot sex with you (duh, you're hot) and might feel unwanted/undesireable by all your extra curriculars. Yeah, its his own insecurities, but he's your partner. Try to help him through those insecurities and talk about it. Maybe that will help.

So, I guess my point is, see if there's any room for comprimise on your 2 lists. Try to include him and have more hot sex with him. If your partner feels more connected to you, he may trust you more and then you'd be able to play outside the relationship more ;)

Then again, I don't know any of the background to this. So, I'm gonna shut up now :)

No, it's cool. Feel free to opine.

"...both your lists are kinda on the extreme". Is my list extreme? Just curious.

Yes, the worst thing on the list is the fact I've been withholding sex from the guy. For years, I've been putting out like a dutiful housewife, getting him off every night. But I don't want him to reciprocate. Something got real broke there, and I'm not sure how to fix it.

I thought the "I'll fuck you more if you let me play outside the relationship" idea would work. But it didn't. I didn't want to have more sex with my partner, and he still got really mad when I wanted sex outside the relationship.

Granted, I don't know how you 2 got to this point in the relationship, but yeah, I'd say if my bf/partner/hubby/whatever just wanted to get me off and then run off and get off with other guys, I'd be hurt by that. I'd feel pretty unwanted.

Whatever reasons you have for feeling the way that you do. I'd echo what everyone else is saying about couples counseling. You both sound like you have issues to work through regarding the relationship. Just keep in mind, you're only going to get out of counseling what you put in. So, just be honest with yourself (often the hardest part) and with your partner and the counselor and see how things go if you do decide to go the counseling route. Couples therapy can often be seen as "controlled arguing," or fighting with a referee present. So don't be surprised if you come out of it with some bruises. Though I suspect you might enjoy that ;)

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