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I read that the key to an open relationship is for both partners to agree on the rules of the game. So, I made a list of what my partner and I want out of polyamory and shared it with him:

His list

  1. No sex with Master Ted (this is a shame, because Ted is a great guy who has given me some of the best scenes of my life)
  2. No sleepovers (one of my wishes lately is to have a late Sunday morning sleep-in with annoyinghandle and a copy of the New York Times)
  3. Only meet guys at our house, preferably when my partner was home
  4. Only safe sex (I agree with this one, if it allows some slightly unsafe edgeplay)
  5. I should be home whenever my partner is home… no late nights away
  6. Limit computer use (stop surfing and chatting so much)
  7. Don’t cum when I am with other guys… save it for my partner later
  8. Try to only play together in threesomes
  9. My partner wants to meet any tricks beforehand, and reserve veto power if he doesn’t like them
  10. More hot sex with me (we haven’t really done anything together in a few years)
  11. I have to give all my cum to my partner
  12. Do more things together as a couple
  13. Show more love to each other

My list

  1. Complete sexual freedom – I get to decide who I have sex with, and when
  2. However, this is tempered with respect and love. For example, on a Friday night, I’d rather be with my partner than at the baths
  3. I would be able to tell my partner everything about all the hot encounters and scenes I had
  4. Sleepovers (but will try to limit to no more than twice a month)
  5. Travel occasionally to see the Master I met last month to serve Him for a weekend
  6. Attend leather conferences alone (but try to limit to no more than one weekend every other month)

As you can see, our lists diverge wildly. It seems my partner and I can love each other and stay together forever, but only if either 1) I stop having sex with other people and suck it up, or 2) my partner learns not to mind when I run around fucking other people and not him. I don’t see a compromise between those two positions. My partner notes that if he gives me one weekend a month, I will want two, and then three…

We talked about the above lists last night (before watching “Valley of the Dolls”). There was no crying, there was no argument. This is the first time we have both had the sad realization that our paths are not parallel, and that trying to remain together might be causing a hell of a lot more pain than a separation. I think this is the beginning of the end.

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This is eerie. Word-for-word, this is nearly identical to me and my partner's lists.

If you look at the "why's" of each item, it boils down to him feeling insecure and you wanting to feel hot and not distracted by guilt during sex. This is definitely not "the begining of the end" though. You can absolutely get past those concerns... my partner and I did. It's not perfect, and sometimes we each end up with feelings of frustration or guilt, but it's never unmanagable and it's so much better overall. You might want to try a couples counselor. http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=75

Out of curiousity, he doesn't seem to have anything on his list about hooking up. Is he not interested in other guys, or is it more about him just guilting you?

So, are you the jealousy list? Or the slut list?

I'm not jealous at all. I'd like to hear from someone what that's about. I would be a little pissed if I cokked a romantic dinner and my partner was too busy at the truckstop to stop and eat. But overall, I'd bee cheering him on to hear about his exploits.

Yeah, this is all about insecurity. He's a 63 year old man with a horny 38 year old inexperienced boyfriend, who recently rediscovered leathersex and wants to do all sorts of kinky things with all sorts of people. I can see how that would be hard on him. But his need for control is driving me away more than keeping me under lock and key.

My partner is a year from retirement. He's all about creating a house, and traveling with a monogamous parter, and settling down. He's been hooking up lately, but I think it's more about revenge fucking.

Edited at 2008-03-05 08:08 pm (UTC)

Slut list. Definitely the slut list. :)

I'm 24 and have spent the past few years trying not to go out and have fun on my own because I didn't want to upset my partner. My partner is 37 and is the physical opposite of me in every way, so the threesome thing never works out. It's even more complicated because neither of us wants to really talk about the difference in our looks. It's not that he wants to be monogamous, he just gets really jealous and insecure.

I agree with you that it's never appropriate to stand your partner up for a hookup. But even if you guys had perfect sexual compatibility, he can never give you the special feeling that comes from sleazy, dark, twisted, anonymous sex. It sounds like he's trying to remove all the fun from it for you by requiring sex to begin (the vetting process) and end (no cumming) with him. It ruins all the elements of spontaneity and hotness, and turns every hookup into a bigger deal for both of you than it should be.

Check out The Ethical Slut. It's required reading for anyone trying to negotiate an open relationship. http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Infinite-Sexual-Possibilities/dp/1890159018

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