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I read that the key to an open relationship is for both partners to agree on the rules of the game. So, I made a list of what my partner and I want out of polyamory and shared it with him:

His list

  1. No sex with Master Ted (this is a shame, because Ted is a great guy who has given me some of the best scenes of my life)
  2. No sleepovers (one of my wishes lately is to have a late Sunday morning sleep-in with annoyinghandle and a copy of the New York Times)
  3. Only meet guys at our house, preferably when my partner was home
  4. Only safe sex (I agree with this one, if it allows some slightly unsafe edgeplay)
  5. I should be home whenever my partner is home… no late nights away
  6. Limit computer use (stop surfing and chatting so much)
  7. Don’t cum when I am with other guys… save it for my partner later
  8. Try to only play together in threesomes
  9. My partner wants to meet any tricks beforehand, and reserve veto power if he doesn’t like them
  10. More hot sex with me (we haven’t really done anything together in a few years)
  11. I have to give all my cum to my partner
  12. Do more things together as a couple
  13. Show more love to each other

My list

  1. Complete sexual freedom – I get to decide who I have sex with, and when
  2. However, this is tempered with respect and love. For example, on a Friday night, I’d rather be with my partner than at the baths
  3. I would be able to tell my partner everything about all the hot encounters and scenes I had
  4. Sleepovers (but will try to limit to no more than twice a month)
  5. Travel occasionally to see the Master I met last month to serve Him for a weekend
  6. Attend leather conferences alone (but try to limit to no more than one weekend every other month)

As you can see, our lists diverge wildly. It seems my partner and I can love each other and stay together forever, but only if either 1) I stop having sex with other people and suck it up, or 2) my partner learns not to mind when I run around fucking other people and not him. I don’t see a compromise between those two positions. My partner notes that if he gives me one weekend a month, I will want two, and then three…

We talked about the above lists last night (before watching “Valley of the Dolls”). There was no crying, there was no argument. This is the first time we have both had the sad realization that our paths are not parallel, and that trying to remain together might be causing a hell of a lot more pain than a separation. I think this is the beginning of the end.

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Granted I haven't been following this for long, but what makes you think he should be okay with you having sex with other people? I love how other people are making your husband out to be the bad guy. Like he's some how in the wrong for not letting you have sex with other people. Sure his list sounds restrictive, but it sounds like he's been hurt and doesn't want to lose you to someone else who is as you've put it is "in the scene". And you know what I don't blame him. He's a far stronger man than me because once I found out you were having sex with other guys we would of been over. No, if, and or buts. It sucks you've discovered you have this new sexual interest and that by the sounds of it your husband has no interest in, but those are the facts of life. You can talk to your husband about possibly incorporating these new interest into your sex life, but if he doesn't I think you need to decided what's more important..having great sex or having your husband. Yes, you can have both but it doesn't sound like it's gonna work in this situation. You want your cake and eat it too, but you can't...you know why...cause you're not twelve. We're adults and we've all made decisions in our lives and we have to live with them. If this isn't the life you want then go find the one you want. But don't manipulate or dare I say it emotionally abuse your husband into getting what you want, which is what you're doing when you say I'll have more sex with you if you let me have sex with other people. I know I sound harsh and I don't mean to be mean but I this is how I feel.

And if I'm gotten anything wrong them let me know and I'm sorry.

Yup, guilty as charged. I tried that solution, too... I tried to forget about all my kinks, and to put my dick away and not have sex with anyone. It lasted a few months. But it's like trying to pretend you are straight. Those cravings bubbled up again and again. It's odd that I have to choose between my partner and the sex that I want.

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