mudcub (mudcub) wrote,

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Unhappiness in Slavery

Today leatherspeak sent me a Formal Notice of Termination. i wanted to put word out that He is no longer my Master, for training or in any other capacity. That makes me feel terrible, because i've realized that i need to serve in order to be happy. i thought i could have that relationship with Him. Now, i have to find another person to connect with, because the Master/slave dynamic really feels right and natural to me. i'm embarrassed to admit that, and i still have a lot of trouble talking about it with friends. i feel like an idiot and a fool for being a slave, and i still get made fun at a lot by my friends. "Come over and clean my fucking windows!" They call themselves leathermen, but they don't really get it. Well, damn... i thought i had a good Master, and now i'm back at square one.

Here is the email from my former Master:

Effective immediately

I have stayed up intentionally till 1:00 am (MT) to see if you were going to make a joural entry this evening. Since I have seen you on RECON I assumed that you were available and able to send an entry as you stated you would. Although you punishment did include no contact with me for a week, as you know your orders where sitll to make your journal entries, read the BoyRules and affirmations.

Also, although my orders included no contact, it did not exclude you from your additional orders to make you entry, since it is also your responsiblity and your stated intent, that you clarify any order which was confusing to you, therefore:
Through your impertinence, you have given me no recourse but to terminate any further training.


1. Repeated disobedience to basic Rules of Submissive
2. Failure to make Joural entries as directed.
3. Direct and purposeful disrespect for Master
4. Direct and intentional disobedience to orders

Here is my explanation:

I just got back today from a business trip to Des Moines for my family business. Our chemical plant exploded last year, and i had to return to handle some tax stuff. Not a fun trip. i told my former Master that i would have a laptop while i was gone from Friday afternoon until Sunday morning, and while could check email, i couldn't post to my blog. i use Microsoft Expressions web software form a PC at home. The mac powerbook laptop doesn't have that program, so i have to wait until i get home. i told my Master that i would email Him each day, but post all the entries to my blog when i got back. Evidently, he misunderstood me.

i posted an email from the hotel room at 9:57 CST, 10:57 MST

Subject: Hotel thoughts on 4/5/2008
Date:Sat, April 5, 2008 9:57 pm
To: (corrct email at hotmail)
Priority: Normal
(snipped post number #57 here)

i think part of the problem is that he didn't understand the difference between email and posting html. But really, i think this is His excuse to get out of the arrangement. He mentioned wanting to discontinue the Training several times last week, and i think He just got tired of putting up with my bullshit. Using my blog as a reason is as good as any. Well, i'm incredibly sad about all of this - i really thought the six month training period was a great compromise between 24/7 slavery and quick "dungeon scenes". i really want to form a bond with Master that wants to see me grow, push my limits, and explore boundaries together.
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