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Unhappiness in Slavery
Today leatherspeak sent me a Formal Notice of Termination. i wanted to put word out that He is no longer my Master, for training or in any other capacity. That makes me feel terrible, because i've realized that i need to serve in order to be happy. i thought i could have that relationship with Him. Now, i have to find another person to connect with, because the Master/slave dynamic really feels right and natural to me. i'm embarrassed to admit that, and i still have a lot of trouble talking about it with friends. i feel like an idiot and a fool for being a slave, and i still get made fun at a lot by my friends. "Come over and clean my fucking windows!" They call themselves leathermen, but they don't really get it. Well, damn... i thought i had a good Master, and now i'm back at square one.

Here is the email from my former Master:

Effective immediately

I have stayed up intentionally till 1:00 am (MT) to see if you were going to make a joural entry this evening. Since I have seen you on RECON I assumed that you were available and able to send an entry as you stated you would. Although you punishment did include no contact with me for a week, as you know your orders where sitll to make your journal entries, read the BoyRules and affirmations.

Also, although my orders included no contact, it did not exclude you from your additional orders to make you entry, since it is also your responsiblity and your stated intent, that you clarify any order which was confusing to you, therefore:
Through your impertinence, you have given me no recourse but to terminate any further training.


1. Repeated disobedience to basic Rules of Submissive
2. Failure to make Joural entries as directed.
3. Direct and purposeful disrespect for Master
4. Direct and intentional disobedience to orders

Here is my explanation:

I just got back today from a business trip to Des Moines for my family business. Our chemical plant exploded last year, and i had to return to handle some tax stuff. Not a fun trip. i told my former Master that i would have a laptop while i was gone from Friday afternoon until Sunday morning, and while could check email, i couldn't post to my blog. i use Microsoft Expressions web software form a PC at home. The mac powerbook laptop doesn't have that program, so i have to wait until i get home. i told my Master that i would email Him each day, but post all the entries to my blog when i got back. Evidently, he misunderstood me.

i posted an email from the hotel room at 9:57 CST, 10:57 MST

Subject: Hotel thoughts on 4/5/2008
From: kellogg@dim.com
Date:Sat, April 5, 2008 9:57 pm
To: (corrct email at hotmail)
Cc: kellogg@dim.com
Priority: Normal
(snipped post number #57 here)

i think part of the problem is that he didn't understand the difference between email and posting html. But really, i think this is His excuse to get out of the arrangement. He mentioned wanting to discontinue the Training several times last week, and i think He just got tired of putting up with my bullshit. Using my blog as a reason is as good as any. Well, i'm incredibly sad about all of this - i really thought the six month training period was a great compromise between 24/7 slavery and quick "dungeon scenes". i really want to form a bond with Master that wants to see me grow, push my limits, and explore boundaries together.

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I hope you can find another Master who will be more of a fit for you.
Best To You on your Journey.

Your friends don't sound like "true" Leathermen to me. If they were,
they would respect your journey and desire to Serve.

(Deleted comment)
I think it's just an easy punchline.

If you say, "i want to have no limits with You Sir," the common joke is to say, "Ok, how about if I chop you with a chainsaw?"

Some faggots make stupid jokes when they are nervous.

I'm not nervous about the dynamic at all -- and, to some extent, I think that's the correct, serious response.

We all pretty much have limits. I think use of the term "no limits" does a disservice to both oneself and others, not to mention the concept of limits.

...which is not in any way to minimize your pain or devalue your experience.

Edited at 2008-04-07 01:13 am (UTC)

Not at all. There are a lot of Leathermen out there who don't understand the service aspect or even the BDSM aspects of kink. Look at [Unknown LJ tag] when he was at a recent event and someone said, "You're returning to service?" in a snotty tone.

It's quite something.

Sadly, for a lot of "leathermen" it's just about the sex and/or the clothing.

Most people do not understand the Dom/sub dynamic. It comes from a deep place in the psyche and will torment you unless you pay it attention. I rarely discuss it with friends or anyone else who have not experienced those feelings -- they don't "get it" and never will have the tools or experiences to understand. To them it's kinda silly. Don't expose yourself to that kind of scorn; life is hard enough!

(Deleted comment)
It sounds like you are doing it right -- being selective. Very selective! I am too. If you've not read about the Stockholm experiment, do so to understand what can happen when a power exchange goes awry. Being sexually submissive is about finding expression for your power, not losing your identity.

"i really want to form a bond with Master that wants to see me grow, push my limits, and explore boundaries together.

Well said indeed:-) That sentiment is universal. Very worth searching for:)

Sorry to hear of your termination with your Master:( Don't beat yourself up too much about it either! While it is a heavy thing to deal with initially, and I feel your pain, the pain gets less intense over time. Give it time and you will heal.

You're a good man and the right Master for you is out there, so don't give up or be too unduly impatient.

Patience is truly a virtue ;-)



i guess the thing yr wanting is an integration of your life. not a part time thing but not 100%. for him and for you.

Yes, integration is my goal in 2008, i think

Being honest with yourself about who you are, and then following the path that actualizes who you are, is never smooth-going. It can hurt. Yet, gather the lessons and use them as a foundation to help you grow into the slaveheart that you feel you have.

i take my slavepath to be a powerful thing and i am fortunate that few have have knocked me for it, even if they don't understand it. The couple of times someone has joked that i "should" do something for them since i am a slave, have received a pleasant smile along with the reply, "i am a slave. i am not *your* slave." :)

One of the most difficult changes i faced in the first few years of serving my Master (yes, it took me a few years to let the lesson sink in and sometimes i still forget) was to let go of offering up reasons, excuses or explanations when instructions were not fully followed. There can be valid reasons for not being able to follow instructions yet, in the end, the lesson is often about simply accepting the consequence of not following through, regardless of what the circumstances are. It may not sound fair, yet the underlying lesson i have found is that it is more about letting go of control of a situation and accepting it for what it is.

If slavery is your path, there is nothing wrong with taking pride in acknowledging that. slavery is never a path of weakness or feeling lesser-than, nor is it for the faint-of-heart: it is a challenging path of personal growth. Hopefully you find encouragement and strength to persevere, move forward and continue to grow.

~ pug

As a Master I will say straight up A slave is to be respected. There is power and strength in giving up the power to another.

Yes, that's a tough lesson. i was told there's a common "Yes but" that slaves can do... "Yes, the Master is right, but..." i've been careful not to let myself fall into that trap.

One of my friends tells me the worst beating he got as a child was when his dad thought he left a cattle gate open and a horse was hit by a car. My friend knows he wasn't the one who did it, and thinks it was really his dad that lef the gate open. As a slave, that kind of beating is hard to take: wasn't your fault, you didn't do it. But i would be ok with it... it's a lesson (unearned perhaps) on how important it is to close all gates. And if it makes my Master happy to punish me (for example, if it assuaged the guilt of the cowboy-dad above), then the punishment is useful and good.

However, i blogged about this (#28 at http://mudcub.com/slave/notes_21_40.htm). What if the Master thinks the slave was disobedient and rude when that wasn't the case? i'd hate to disagree with the Master and say he's in the wrong, but man i'd hate for Him to feel bad without reason. i'd want to clear things up and explain that there was no intended slight. But that's not "giving up" as you call it... so yeah, it's a fine line.

Thanks for the nice posts.

Never give up. Persistence and tenacity are your tools. Being a slave can be the loneliest, most frustrating and difficult path to choose yet also bring the most powerful sense of fulfillment, groundedness and growth that one can imagine. Please know i offer sincere encouragement.

~ pug

It's an extremely tough situation to be in from both sides, and I have experienced it from both sides.

As a dom, if I truly have made a mistake in punishment then all I can offer is my apology and accept the consequences of the actions. If the sub loses trust in me, then I have to accept that. If the sub chooses to walk away, we're in a voluntary servitude relationship so they can choose to walk when needed.

If it's muddy, then, from a sub standpoint I'd say it's up to me to clarify things. If the dom is not willing to listen there may be a greater reason for that, and it's up to us to find out and realize what it is about our behaviours that is unacceptable.

From a sub's standpoint, nothing is more frustrating than if we're misheard, misread, etc... And sometimes dealing with "it" in the moment, whatever "it" is not always the best thing. Sometimes we need to take our time and deal with it later.

It takes heaps of work to be introspective from both sides of the coin.

i've always been a powerful independent person. it was easier for me to claim the identity of a bear (scruffy, big) than as a slave (weak, powerless). i just feel stupid when the parts of my life don't fit, and if it's all a charade.

But when it works, it's really cool.

(Deleted comment)
I dunno all the details, but it seems to me that as a beginner, an experienced Master might have -- well, not exactly cut you some slack, but . . . used the opportunity to call and ask you what's going on in your head, et cetera. To my mind trust and obedience is something that is a valued gift earned and then given, not necessarily something given simply because it is demanded. Even religious monks who take vows of obedience are in a *process* of "formation", and they are not kicked out of the monastery for disobedience-- instead, they're called into deeper conversation to address the underlying issues.

In any case, knowing that I don't have all the details from either side of the conversation, I'd say it IS apparent that this wasn't the right Master for you. Here's hoping a better fit is forthcoming, and that you and your former Master at some point regain amiable (or at least civil) relations.

There's no such thing as the perfect Master or the perfect slave. This why most Master/slave relationships fail because the Master is too rigid and the slave is too human. Although i am still collared to MasterDS, we haven't had true Master/slave relations in years. i'm learning to find that sort of contentment among my kink friends and puppy pack instead.

Yeah, but when it works... Master/slave is a wonderful thing.

i'd be honored to romp around with yer puppy pack sometime!

I'm real sorry about this. Hopefully you'll find the right person to be your Master who can take you seriously & try not to take advantage of you.

It is indeed a journey. Like a road trip, a journey in new territory will sometimes lead you down a path that looked good at first and did not turn into what you expected.

Hopefully in the days ahead you will have an opportunity to look inward a bit and catch your breath from it all.

Look forward to new brighter days. They will arrive if you open yourself to their possibilities.

My Serenity Disturbed

Dear Richard and patrick:

It is very difficult to accept negative feedback face to face. On-line, negative feedback feels like a punch in the stomach and momentarily takes one's breath away. The urge to strike back is immediate and overwhelming. And, rather than exercising control over one's baser nature, full rein is given to the urge to strike back. Thus, begins the tit for tat war of words with the full intention of hurting and ruining another under the guise of simply defending oneself. There are even cameo appearances by friends who speak too much, listen too little, and comprehend even less.

This bad behavior must cease here and now. It must stop not in the name of some obscure fetish principal, not because the leather community is damaged by your backbiting, and not in the attempt to restore sanity and dignity; it's too late for that. Rather, this must immediately end due to the smallness, the nothingness of what just happened:

Two homosexual men over 30 years old, who continue to look decent with proper lighting, tried to give each other gifts. Though the gifts were very becoming colors, well made, and beautiful, they were poorly sized. Instead of going back to find the proper sizes, both men seethed in disappointment and frustration. After several days of uneasy silence, one of the men states he will never enter the store again, and in response, the other man maintains that he will only use a personal shopper if he goes into the market in the future.

All this fuss is over trying to give someone an appropriate gift. And, in essence, gift giving is equal to the power exchange in any D/s relationship.

And so, stop. Stop now.

I'm going to take this problem back to my journal, so I can illustrate by fact and by service goals how this breakdown in contract and civility occurred. I will have my post available after 1 PM.

In peace, of peace, and with peace,

Re: My Serenity Disturbed

You are right... i never intended this to be a bitch session. It's not fair to Master Rich, who was a caring and thoughtul Master towards me. i mean, i couldn't add up the amount of time and effort He spent on my training over the last month. i owe Him a lot.

i won't post further about this issue, though i'd like to keep updating my slave blog at http://www.mudcub.com/slave

I never cease to be astonished at the high school level of maturity it is possible to find within subcultures and communities that one would (if one didn't know better) assume to be bastions of open-mindedness and inclusion.

I remember being shocked when a gay rubberman of my acquaintance (years ago, Leon I think - used to manage the Triangle) told me of being rejected / hassled by leathermen because he was into wearing rubber instead of leather, but in all other respects was no different in his kinky interests and activities than any other leatherman.


Haven't we all had enough of discrimination, condemnation, elitism, cliques, and so on? Apparently not.

Bummer to hear about your D/s thing not working out. Good luck.

PS: just to clarify...

My comment above has nothing to do with your master/slave difficulties, and was ONLY in response to your bit about receiving flack for wanting to be a slave.

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