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I flew to Washington D.C. to spend the last three days serving as a sex slave for a friend of mine.

I had a good time. I really like the Master/slavery thing. It really feels right. It's amazing to watch a movie on the floor at another man's feet. The sex? Fantastic. Hours of mummification, sucking, fucking, some slightly extreme stuff. I screamed so much during a caning scene that my throat is still hoarse. Note to myself: I've got to find a way not to holler so much when receiving heavy pain... maybe the top should order me to be silent, and cane me more if I make a noise.

At the same time, I'm a little down today, and it's more than the usual "drop". It was an emotionally draining weeked, and not in a good way. The master I served is a little depressive, and often during the weekend, he would descend into anger or sullen bitterness at something I said (or didn't say). Right before I left last night at the airport, he sat me down and told me a list of things that I did wrong: I didn't follow orders, I talk too much, I'm flightly, I wasn't relaxed enough, I didn't concentrate, I ignored protocol. All of these are true, but it was a lot to take right before boarding an airplane.

Due to the power imbalance of a Master/slave relationship, it's a given that criticism flows downhill. During the weekend, I never judged his house, his friends, or his style of dominance. So it kind of hurts to be handed so much criticism one-sided. It really verged on emotional abuse - an issue I had with the last Master/slave relationship I tried. The master I served is kind of a fragile guy... often ordering me during the weekend to give him more praise and joy. I ran out of ways to complement his body. I really thought that having a slave this weekend would make him happy. He told me that he has everything in life he needs: a house that's paid off, a good job, a warm circle of friends and family. He said all his life was missing is a slave to live with him 24/7. It was a hard lesson for me to learn that I am evidently not that slave. Instead of making him complete, my attempt at service pissed him off more than anything else.

After this weekend, my biggest worry is that I'm a freak - unable to relate normally to other people. Those of you who have met me might recognize the halting speech, the moodiness, the manic stream-of-consciousness speech. I wonder if I'm excited to try slavery as an answer to my problems, because I can't interact as a human being in any other way. Tell me what to do and punish me if I don't do it correctly. Anything else hasn't really worked for me lately.

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I didn't follow orders, I talk too much, I'm flightly, I wasn't relaxed enough, I didn't concentrate, I ignored protocol.

Yes. That sounds like you. Flightly is the most resonant of the comments. I notice that you never stay in one place very long.

I love you, Patrick, and I want to help, but I just don't know how. I've offered the only tool that I know but in a flighty mood you didn't use it.

I realize that you are very new to being a slave, but I don't think you understand the essence of it yet. You will have to "pay a lot of dues" before you come close to understanding. Understanding doesn't make you that perfect slave boy. I think you are intellectualizing this more than you should. I don't think being a slave requires thinking and I suspect that you are thinking too much. I'm not sure what part emotions play in being a slave but I would guess that you cannot have many of those to be a good slave. In fact, I really think you are too much of a real person to be a slave.

While I am a friend and I am committed to listening to you, I think that you need to listen to yourself a lot more.

Re: OK. Ready Set Slave

And the cubby said... Amen!

This is good advice for most of us. :)

hey there

i agree with you that at least form what you told us, that in was inapropriate to talk about these thing before you take off, but perhaps possibly the next day when he checks up on you.

I wonder if I'm excited to try slavery as an answer to my problems

that is somthing you may want to take into consideration and have deep thoughts about.

let me know if i can help

We need to talk at some point. I think we have similar impulses here. I have often used submission as a means of "fixing myself". What I have learned is that it is merely a distraction from the hard internal work that needs to be done.

Not saying you have to give up submission, but it is a step towards personal resolution to realize why you gravitate to the things you do. If but only understanding your impulses, that could be enough to provide some relief from feeling like you are a freak. The realization that you like everyone else is a complex web of impulses, neuroses, etc. that have pretty understandable causes and effects.

This is the journey I am on right now and it is a nice one. Scary as hell, but still a good process to undertake.

What I have learned is that it is merely a distraction from the hard internal work that needs to be done.

Here Here! Submission is not a substitute for personal growth.

I don't know what not a freak is. I don't think I've ever really met anyone who was 'normal' if you really got to know them -- certainly no one interesting.

As you might have guessed from my journal, I think you sound a lot more together than I am.

I guess my question is more one of your expectations and needs. I'm not saying that a master/slave thingy can't be a complete, supportive and fulfilling primary relationship, but it's very, very hard.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle."

I'd be honored to serve You someday Sir! I think we could be a fun couple of messes together - if only for a few hours {grin}

There's a lot going on here, and I'm mostly outside the master/slave dynamic myself. But let me tell you what I hear:

1. You say you had a "good time," but it was "emotionally draining" and "verged on emotional abuse." If I want to understand this, how it makes sense to me is that you love a master/slave dynamic for SEX, but apart from sex there are larger issues you need to think more about.

2. "Due to the power imbalance of a master/slave relationship, it's a given that criticism flows downhill." My guess is that this is NOT the case among my friends whose master/slave relationships function well for them. They seem to have ways in which the slave gets to have, and voice, his own feelings or opinions, even if those are highly channelled. It's not clear to me whether we're talking about master/slave relationships in general, or YOUR "idealized" version ... which may have aspects of a NEGATIVE ideal that doesn't actually work for you in reality.

3. "Instead of making him complete, my attempt at service pissed him off ..." In my experience, *any* relationship framed as a matter of "completeness" carries some real risks. I know it's a very popular way of talking about relationships but it has a lot of toxic aspects. At the very least, it's not the same as two people who own themselves (flaws and all) and then create a relationship together.

4. "Unable to relate normally to other people". I call bullshit. You did fine during several hours we hung out when I was in Denver. If it was just a mask you were wearing, you at least wear it well enough to function. Heavily damaged people can't even do that. I agree that you have unresolved stuff in your life that you're working on, but baby, everyone does. Perhaps you're seeking slavery partly because you've over-magnified your issues to yourself? Why not try to disentangle that from the part of it that makes for hot sex, and see what you end up with?


Thanks for the comments! I'll think about them.

But about part 1)... I actually like the non-sex parts. There were a lot more of them. As I said... it made watching a movie a great experience. It was wonderful going to WalMart while in "slave mode". So, I think I agree with your other comments, but I am definitely not in it for the sex. Though that was nice. I got jerked off while my friend was on a phone call... and that was really weird - being toyed with like a person would fuss with a ballpoint pen during a long conversation. Humiliating and thrilling at the same time!

From what little I know of you it sounds to me like you want to have the Master/slave relationship during sex, but that you want to interact on a more equal level outside that. Perhaps some clues lie in what you *liked* about your relationship with your partner. It's clear the sex wasn't satisfying to you and you got that this weekend, but perhaps other aspects of the Master/slave relationship are not what you really want.

randomcub and I dabble with submission a little, but we've both said that neither of us could envision ourselves being "in the role" 24/7. It's right for some people, just not for us and perhaps not for you either.

You're a highly intelligent individual and just because you have some kinks doesn't necessarily mean that you want to spend the rest of your life being subservient to someone else in all aspects of a relationship.

Regardless, I am glad you are having these experiences and hope you learn as much about yourself from them as you do about others.

Thanks for the input! As I said - I liked the dynamic outside of the bedroom more than the 2 hour "scenes". I think what I get out of slavery is a mutually satisfying structure for a relationship. When it worked with my friend, it was quite nice. Really nice.

ah man...you were in dc?!?!

Yeah! Near Dulles. But I wasn't really "at liberty" if ya know what I mean. I'll be in the city real soon again for work, and I'll look you up!

And dont forget your human. Sometimes it is easier to surrneder control a little bit at a time, then everything all at once. And if you block out your human side, you will never be happy. Even a M/s relationship, is still that, a relationship. Just learn a respectful way to communicate. If you find yourself wanting to critisize everything he's doing, he is either not the right match for yourself, or you havent found yourself yet.

No one is perfect, and no one should espect perfection, otehrwise they will never be happy.

IMHO and from a very limited perspective of just reading your blog, I do not believe you really have a good grasp of slavery. Your 'attempts' at slavery were not, in MY perspective, attempts at anything more than a fantasy to serve sexually.

I am gonna send a quote from a group I belong to. It was posted there last week and i thought it was pretty good:

slavery is not about suffering . . .it is about service.

slavery is not about humiliation . . . it is about humility.

slavery is not about pain . . . it is about being present.

slavery is not about being used . . . it is about being of use.

slavery is not about control . . .. it is about letting go.

slavery is not about what is done to you . . . it is about what you
do for others.

slavery is not about abuse . . . it is about acceptance.

slavery is not about proving anything . . . it is about being real.

slavery is not about contempt . . . it is about respect.

slavery is not about how you look . . . it is about how much you care.

slavery is not about denying yourself . . . it is about being open.

slavery is not about bondage . . . it is about freeing your spirit.

slavery is not about punishment . . . it is about discipline.

slavery is not about being unable to escape . . . it is about being

slavery is not about submission . . . it is about obedience.

slavery is not about fear . . .it is about trust.

slavery is not about sex . . . it is about love.

slavery is not about pleasure . . . it is about happiness.

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I've had a similar thing happen: I've had sex with a man that I thought was trancendentant, that we really connected and shared a great energy together. Then the next day, the guy would say, "Eh, the sex wasn't that good!"

We aren't dealing in certainties, are we? Part of me *loves* the Master/slave dynamic because it clarifies a lot of that mystery. For example, after this weekend, my friend has a much cleaner bathroom and kitchen. He ordered me to do it and I did a good job. Not brain surgery. So even if all other things failed... at least I could eat off his now-spotless floor. Shame he won't invite me to, but at least the possibility is there.

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Well, I'm going in steps. I've served in little 2-4 hours increments in someone's dungeon. And while that's a lot of fun, I'm getting a little tired of it. I'd like some continuity, an opportunity for training or progress, instead of some guy who has to remember who I am when I see him every other week.

So, I've tried serving for a weekend. First at a leather conference, and the last weekend at the master's house. And that's been great. Still, it has a slightly frantic feeling - knowing that the weekend will be over in under 72 hours. Still, I really love the unexpected moments - the morning rituals, helping with chores. It feels like living with someone even thought it's really little more than just "playing house".

Maybe I'll get a chance this summer to serve for a longer period of time. Work is sending me to San Jose for the entire month of June. I've got some plans in the works. I'll let You know how it goes.

To be fair, I was the one who started the problem at the airport. I suggested to the Master that he could just drop me off - instead he wanted to wait with me for the plane. I started a conversation over a beer next to the security line asking if he wanted to see me at IML in four days. I was slightly shocked that the answer was lukewarm. Other hints at visiting again in July or August were also rejected. I asked why, and then he let me have it.

I really believed him when he said all he needed was a slave and then his life would be complete. Stupidly, I tried to be that slave for him. It was a bad idea on both ends. It's a lesson I've learned in the past and then forgotten: don't date someone out of pity, and don't lead them on if you are not in love. Hans Brinker aside, don't try to fill a hole with your self - it's rarely a perfect fit, and then everything leaks out.

Edited at 2008-05-19 08:09 pm (UTC)

I know I came last to this game--and since I don't have the experience on the compendium of the post I'll let it "be." But in my attempt at becoming a boy, I, too, felt like you do. Specifically where you identify at the very end of the weekend where you were told everything that you did "wrong." Maybe I am not properly "trained" but I at least would have thanked you for a good weekend. If I truly felt you needed correction I would have waited a few days until you had been home and requested some time to speak with you. My former SIR told me what was wrong ad nauseum. I'd get so excited, so pumped--only for all the air to be let out of me over spelling mistakes. In the end, my mental health couldn't stomach anymore of it. If I can never do anything right, then we're just no compatible. I think there's a Master out there for you, Patrick--but the chemistry has to be there. Just because you share common kinks and physical attraction does not mean your personalities will also click. It's more likely they'll combine like oil and water. I still don't know where I stand on the entire leather lifestyle. I feel like often everyone has these insane expectations of everyone else yet they can't follow their own expectations. That is much more about belittling and taking down people who have gotten over the shit life has dealt them to get to a better life--so the Dominant can feel good about their own fucked up life again. In this area, I'm speaking more generally and neither specific to my experience or yours. I feel like there are lot of talented and creative people in the leather community--they just expect to keep how you look physically and hit the reset button on the rest. And yes, that may be the goal, but it takes time--and it takes *clear* ground rules from the beginning to which everyone has agreed. And a side note, I get pretty pissy when leather people knock other people's fetishes (random vent of the day). That is all--you're a good guy, Patrick, but think about what Scott said--finding someone compatible may save you all this mind-wrenching I know all too well from my experience. The feeling where you're flying so high only to have a bazooka shoot you in each wing and you crash to Earth--that's the mind wrenching you so eloquently described in this post.

Master/slave relationships are difficult, for both parties. If he had so many issues, he should have been directing you at the time of the interaction, not giving you a litany of issues after the fact. And maybe I'm wrong, but any master who doesn't openly communicate with his slave, especially with a trial run, will not have an easy time finding what he's looking for.

It's not something I could manage as a top, since I don't honestly have the energy to constantly provide direction and discipline. I'm perfectly happy with my 'boy.'