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Here's What I Did To Torture Myself Today

I should just take all these CDs. After all... I *bought* most of 'em. I know, I know, I have an addiction. A dozen or so CDs a week, several hundred a month. I've given up on alphabetizing them long ago, and now they sit on the floor in stacks. There's the "archive", i.e. CDs that have withstood the test of time. CDs I'm currently listening to, CDs on their way to work. Stacks for irish music or soundtracks separated out. But this stack is special: it's the gay collection.

It's music that a 63 year old ex-boyfriend would like. Bad disco and DJ sets we picked up at gay bars we visited during our travels. The classics: Barbra and Liza and Piaf. Sinatra and Martin. He can have all the big band stuff. All musicals more than twenty years old. And the huge new age collection. Yeah, he can have all the Narada and Windhall Hill crap. I never liked those anyway. I bought this whole fucking George Winston collection during the time he was in the hospital and his pounding headaches weren't going away and I was so scared... I can't listen to that now. It brings up too many memories. And he might need it the next time he's in the hospital. And I'm not there any more to take care of him.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Oh great. Country. He can have all the fucking country music CDs as well. I can't stand to play them. Not right now. Let him try to listen to Tammy Wynette singing "D.I.V.O.R.C.E." and still make it through the day. She goes in his box, along with all the other country divas: Reba McEntire, Faith Hill, Shania Twain. Those girls will just make me think of Texas and all his in-laws that live there who won't talk to me any more. I'll keep the guy singers, though. After all these years, I still think cowboys are hot. Particularly tall blond bears like my ex-boyfriend...

Oh fuck... Enigma. I can't believe we loved this shit in the eighties. Every S&M dungeon played this CD to death; lame techno looped over and over as an accompainment to straight people flogging each other badly. But at least it's not Butt Boy. Goddamn, I swear if I ever have to be tied down and hear his fake synth crap again during a scene - well, let's just say that's one torture too many and I'll use my safeword instantly.

Oh well, might as well keep them for myself. Maybe I'll put it on as a joke for a Top. Or maybe I'll lay down and turn the lights off and remember that scene we did at the Labyrinth all those years ago. Yeah, the first year we met. We knew each other was kinky, but we didn't know *how* kinky. It was new and thrilling to explore those feeling out in public. We made a lot of mistakes, and sometimes went farther than we should have. I remember the one time the "dungeon monitor" stopped us, and I had this lightbulb in my hand and...

Where was I? Oh yeah, still sorting. He can have Sarah Brightman. Though wait... here's a greatest hits CD that I'll keep. And Linda Eder. Remember when we saw her on Broadway in "Jeckyl & Hyde"? I hated that musical, but loved her in it. And then we saw her in concert a year later in Denver. We both dressed up even though we sat on folding chairs on the expensive floor-level tickets surrounded by middle-aged suburbanites in sweat pants. I looked foolish in my three piece suit, but I didn't care. You looked fabulous in that sweater, and I curled my arm inside yours while Linda sang, and I didn't care who saw us...

Damn, I'm never going to get through this stack. Opera. I still don't like opera, and you love it. But damn if I'm going to give you all these box sets. The liberettos (libertti?) alone are worth fifty dollars each. I'm keeping Bizet and Mozart and Donizetti. I know I'll probably never play them again... I tried so hard to like opera the way you did. The way your face would light up when Puccini came on, and you'd sing along even though you don't know a word of Italian. I loved that about you. Oh well, you can take your new boy to the opera. I bet he will be appreciate it more that I did. He's a better man that I was in just about all respects, and I hope you and him will be happy for years and years.

Rod Stewart and Enya and Seal and Sarah MacLachlan and Josh Groban. I never liked any of those CDs. I just pretended I did, because you liked them so much. You seemed so happy listening to that music with me, that I could never tell you that your taste in music sucks. I could never tell you that I thought you were my intellectual inferior. I could never tell you that I thought you were racist and childish and emotionally immature sometimes. I never said those things becuase I loved you, and we were in love. However, now that we are split up, I feel those hurtful words wanting to come out, and there's nothing to stop them. When we fight over money lately, I have to bite my tongue. I'm just trying to separate without involving lawyers - I'm terrified that if this turns ugly I will hate you forever, and I'm not sure I could bear that in my heart.

Jazz. I'm keeping that. I think I'll *need* those. From the angry scronk of Coltrane to the genius of Monk and Parker. You never liked bebop or hard jazz. But the blues? We might have a fight over that. Let's split them half and half. You get Etta James, I'll take Dinah Washington. I'll give you Ella if I can have Billie. You know that if you ever want to hear any of these you can just come over. I'll cook dinner, and we'll listen to our favorite Marianne Faithfull CD, and then we'll watch a movie or something. Maybe you can stay over all night. Please. Oh just please. Please, please, please, please, please...

But I'm keeping the Elaine Paige CDs. All of them. Those were *imports*, bitch.

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Brilliant entry. Especially the slam at Butt Boy. That stuff drove me nuts and was the exact reason I used to bring "play cds" during my travels. It's amazing how much more guys like Autechre, Aphex Twin, Coil and Boards of Canada when you have each other's body parts in one another's asses.

For my next relationship, no more "lite jazz". That's a hard limit.

Love the stream of consciousness entry. I can relate to how hard it is trying to untangle a long term relationship. When I broke up with my ex of 12 years, I let him take whatever he wanted and leave the rest. The only thing we consciously divied up was furniture and some kitchen appliances.

Moving on from that was painful for me but I am SUCH a happier person now, I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did in my life.

I hope you find much happiness in the future and that you take solace right now in knowing that you are moving on to a better life.

Yeah, I don't care about the furniture or accessories. I'm all about the media: DVDs, CDs, books. I guess I should rip all his CDs that I want before he fully moves out, but I think I'm running out of time.

For CDs, if you're picky about the audio ripping accurately, get a copy of EAC. It's a fantastic utility that makes true bit-for-bit copies of CDs, and it's pretty damned fast. It also does FreeDB and will ID3tag everything, you just set your configurations once, then lock and load and it takes care of the rest.

I got to the point where I realized that it was all just "stuff" and anything I really wanted I could just buy again. What I wanted more than anything was to be able to move on with my life.

I can honestly say that 4 years later that I still occasionally find something that I "think" I have, but then find out he took. And if I *really* want it, I just buy it again :-)

sctmpls is right, it's only stuff and most of it's replaceable, and even if it's not it's not that important. What's important is getting out and moving on, not getting even.

The problem occurs when some of us do not consider media just "stuff" but rather, expressions of originol ideas by other human beings, that are irreplaceable. I would never part with my CDs, despite living in this age of rip and burn, because I value the entire CD image. Indeed most of the time I listen to them by copying the whole image off the CD itself. But what happens in the event of drive failure?

No, my CDs are mine. They are special. And they are not just stuff.

When I broke up with my ex we'd been together only a little bit over 3 years, but when it came to media I did precisely the same thing, for the same reason.

He was/is a just-above-minimum-wage long-distance truck driver, while I've done "something" in IT for well over 25 years. It was just easier to let him take what he wanted and then go on a shopping spree to replace it, than it was to try to fight with him over stuff that was, after all, Just Stuff.

And this was at 1993 prices. ;-}}}}

Awesome fucking post, i know I just got on your friends list and this really is the first post I'm reading from you, I have yet to go digging in your history, but I'm glad this is the first post I get from you, its good.

I'm glad you can take my pain and be amused by it!

Just kidding... though I *am* turned on by guys who like to see me suffer. But that's another story.

Edited at 2008-07-02 04:33 pm (UTC)

I enjoyed reading that.

This would drive me crazy too, though most of the music in our house is mine to begin with. That one guy was right when he said that it must be maddening to untangle a relationship that old. i think i'd just burn the whole lot and start from scratch. Imagine the freedom! Of course, i'd regret it while the flames still burned, but still...the thought of it. In the end, remember, it's just things.

Well, that's the problem: almost every thing brings back a memory. That CD we bought on our trip to Paris. The broken concrete on our front steps. The Italian restaurant on the corner. I'd like to burn the entire city of Denver down... but I think moving away would be a better idea.

You just love my CD collection

Breaking up is always hard to do. I've been lucky to have been able to divide stuff fairly in past breakups, but I know it does mean letting go of stuff you've grown accustomed to.

Wnen my first ex and I broke it off after 8 years, he wanted me to keep the apartment, but took exactly half the furniture. The place looked like hell for months until I was able to buy new things to replace the old.

In the end it was only stuff, and both our lives improved after the split. He's still with the same guy he met when we split in '90. Since then I had another 8 year and 2 minor mistakes and am single now.

I'd rather be single now than in a sad unfulfilling relationship or one that is at war all the time.

I just miss not having someone to talk with now after work everyday, but you do get used to it;-)

Edited at 2008-07-02 07:01 pm (UTC)

Yes, that's exactly the hardest part. Some guys said they miss the cuddling and someone to sleep with every night. For me, it's the idea that someone gives a *crap* about my life. For years, I had someone who cared about the minutiae of my life. For example, this weekend will be an odd mix of work and pleasure, and I don't have anybody to tell the details to.

Now I guess I'll have to post on LiveJournal if I want to describe my day: I had soup for lunch!

Edited at 2008-07-02 08:16 pm (UTC)

LOL Soup! I love soup:-) I had soup too! For todays' lunch I'm having egg salad sandwiches and Tang;-)

angry skronk is such a great way to describe coltrane

While I can't vouch for the relationship thing, I CAN vouch for how music affects me and how certain seasons have me listening to a certain genre. Fall/winter for instance, I find myself listening to disco/70's pop (latter half), Tom Waits and classic Jazz more so than when spring/summer arrives and it's New Wave, Soul, Blue Eye Soul, beach/car songs from the early 60's and many vintage 50's R&R/R&B stuff and the B-52's. :-)

Saw that you added me and I have finally added you back.

Who gets the JJ Fad CD?

Music is very odd around these times isn't it?

Rod Stewart and Enya and Seal and Sarah MacLachlan and Josh Groban.

My ex was exclusively mostly into this type of music. It was very frustrating to me, because he used music more for his own identity and as his totem than to actually enjoy the true meaning and beauty of it.

My post-breakup musical experience was heading to a Regina Spektor concert the night of our breakup. I wasn't about to let it ruin my day. And the concert actually became a very uplifting and empowering thing for me. I realized once again that being with someone was my won choice and that I am to borrow a phrase from Gabriel Mann, OK Alone. Spektor's Samson totally grew knew meaning for me though, to this day I consider it the summation relationship song for that moment in time.

I really shoud have known the year beforehand that the relationship wasn't going to work out when he made fun of Alli Collis, which is an artist I hold very dear.

In anycase, if any of those CDs that you keep are being kept merely on principle, I'd be interested in lifting some of those CDs off of you. I hate Opera in general myself, but I wouldn't mind if I looked through them. Some of them may be useful if I am trying to build an audition repretoire for myself.

There are specific albums of Enigma or Sarah McLachlan that I am actually looking for, and being old at this point, may be hard to find.

My tastes are good and broad. Just send me a message on LJ and I'll send you and email addy where you could send a list, or an address if you just want to send them all my way without looking at them anymore. We can work out somekind of monetary compensation.

I enjoyed reading this entry. Finally,

He's a better man that I was in just about all respects, and I hope you and him will be happy for years and years.

Don't ever believe that. You are as special and can offer meaning to just about anyone just as his knew boy does for him.

I totally understand the addiction. I finally got almost all of my cd's scanned into my delicious library and I have over 3300 cds...and this is before my DVDs and books so - I understand.

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