mudcub (mudcub) wrote,

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In 10 Years I'll Feel Like I'm 24

Mystery men #1 and #2

I've been gay and single for about six months. Total. In my entire life. I came out to myself at the age of 23, and proceeded to date the first two bears I met who wanted to date me back. That lasted about 6 weeks each. Then I found a great guy and proceeded to leech onto him for the next 14 years. Now I'm single again.

So, I've *never* had a crush before. Not even as a teenager. In high school, I didn't know I was gay, so was asexual. In college, I saw a gay friend develop a crush on a married straight guy, and things quickly went pretty bad for everyone involved. I told myself, no crushes on straight guys... in fact I don't even *look* at straight guys sexually to this day.

I currently have two LiveJournal crushes. Two great guys who are online, both bears. And it's incredibly immature and stupid of me, I know I know. I've never met either of these guys in person one-on-one. But that doesn't stop me from reading their blog and fantasizing about our future together.

It's complete projection. I don't really know what either of these guys is like. I've read their posts, so I know they are both incredibly intelligent. Both are hot sexy bears, and both are into leather sex. One lives near me, while I see the other at various bear events a few times a year. But man, I would submit to just about anything either of these guys would want to throw my way.

One of the guys is incredibly patient with me about the whole thing, responding to my every-other-week emails to him, with extremely kind (if short) replies. If I was him, I'd run away as fast as I could. I think I'm close to being stalker material. The other guy has a boyfriend already. Again, I should leave the poor guy alone and not be a homewrecker. But I can still fantasize...

I am newly single, and emotionally, I think I'm at the level of a 14 year old (which is appropriate for LiveJournal). It feels fun and giggly and sexy to have a crush for the first time. If either of these guys gives me the time of day, I'd be happy for a week. God forbid they'd want to do a scene with me. I'd probably explode.

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