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In 10 Years I'll Feel Like I'm 24

Mystery men #1 and #2

I've been gay and single for about six months. Total. In my entire life. I came out to myself at the age of 23, and proceeded to date the first two bears I met who wanted to date me back. That lasted about 6 weeks each. Then I found a great guy and proceeded to leech onto him for the next 14 years. Now I'm single again.

So, I've *never* had a crush before. Not even as a teenager. In high school, I didn't know I was gay, so was asexual. In college, I saw a gay friend develop a crush on a married straight guy, and things quickly went pretty bad for everyone involved. I told myself, no crushes on straight guys... in fact I don't even *look* at straight guys sexually to this day.

I currently have two LiveJournal crushes. Two great guys who are online, both bears. And it's incredibly immature and stupid of me, I know I know. I've never met either of these guys in person one-on-one. But that doesn't stop me from reading their blog and fantasizing about our future together.

It's complete projection. I don't really know what either of these guys is like. I've read their posts, so I know they are both incredibly intelligent. Both are hot sexy bears, and both are into leather sex. One lives near me, while I see the other at various bear events a few times a year. But man, I would submit to just about anything either of these guys would want to throw my way.

One of the guys is incredibly patient with me about the whole thing, responding to my every-other-week emails to him, with extremely kind (if short) replies. If I was him, I'd run away as fast as I could. I think I'm close to being stalker material. The other guy has a boyfriend already. Again, I should leave the poor guy alone and not be a homewrecker. But I can still fantasize...

I am newly single, and emotionally, I think I'm at the level of a 14 year old (which is appropriate for LiveJournal). It feels fun and giggly and sexy to have a crush for the first time. If either of these guys gives me the time of day, I'd be happy for a week. God forbid they'd want to do a scene with me. I'd probably explode.

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(Deleted comment)
How glad the many millions of timothys and williams
Would be to capture me
But you had such persistence,
You wore down my resistance
I fell, and it was swell

Youre my big and brave and handsome romeo
How I won you, I shall never, never know

It's not that you're attractive
But, oh, my heart grew active
When you came into view

I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie
All the day and night-time,
Hear me sigh
I never had the least notion
That I could fall with so much emotion

Could you coo?
Could you care?
For a cunning cottage we could share?
The world will pardon my mush
cause I've got a crush, my baby, on you

Edited at 2008-07-10 05:58 pm (UTC)

True and well put. In fact I would add that they are healthy.

It's 1:41 here.

I owe you an e-mail.

I can empathize with you, Patrick. I often find myself in the same place. In fact, I was the same through high school and much of college. As much as I like to think I've grown up--I still have a lot of those teenageresque tendencies toward crushes and the like. I've taken to calling them "mancrushes." They make life interesting, full of allure and passion. There's nothing wrong with them. Sometimes you just have to spot check yourself and make sure you are on an even keel. I applaud you for such an open and honest post.

(Deleted comment)
Girl, we are sooooo gonna talk about boys on the trip.

I was told once that gay men stop growing emotionally as teens when we realize that we are gay (at whatever level) and withdraw sexually. Then, when we come out, we start back where we left out. This guy reasoned that it was the reason so many gay men, when they come out, go nuts like teenagers with the car for the first time.

I don't know if his theory holds water, but, it does explain some of what we go through when we realize that we have to expand our lives.

I am really glad to know you right now. I think you are moving into a very exciting part of your life. You are "light" right now and able to make drastic changes as you see fit.

I recommend LOTS of sex with LOTS of partners. Do the shit you haven't done before. Have sex with the kinds of guys you haven't before. Cast a wide net and drink it all in.

You know how some databases just don't deliver any useful data until a decent amount of records have been added? You need input. don't try to figure out if it's useful data or not, just yet. Let the records speak for themselves once you have enough.

Just like software running databases, your results will become increaingly accurate and useful at a certain point. Then you will find yourself able to decide what relationships will work for you and which ones won't. Without any questions.

When I met Scott there was no question I had something that worked for me. My database had over 6500 records in it to draw my conclusions from.

Do some data entry my friend. Come to San Francisco and do some data entry.

I would agree with this, except I'm not really turned on by anonyous sex. Not into bathhouses, glory holes, one-night-stands, or Craig's list. What gets me hard is BDSM with a partner who knows me and I know him/her well. I'm asking for a lot right off the bat - a lot of S&M play requires a huge level of trust and communication with someone you may not know well. Even in a huge city like San Francisco, I don't think there is more than a few dozen people I'd like to have sex with.

I love your analogy though. "I am the operator with my pocket calculator..."

Still... try and open your field a little and run amock as they say. I've been on the other side of a lot of fences so I know how the grass on this side compares. ;-)

I'm a big proponent of a lot of sex and a lot of dating - it helps you figure out who you are relationship wise which is different from who you are with yourself and friends. Plus it clears out the "I've never" desires before you get in a relationship where they wouldn't be OK, for example topping two guys in the same session or that wild night that just "happened" after leaving the bar aren't generally as easy to come by/desirable when coupled. Sex is only a small part of a relationship (as you know after 14 years). It's important, but not everything. Date a lot of different guys and see what gells.

Oh yeah, keep in mind that what you're OK with now in theory may not be what you really want when it comes to practice. That one is a mind fuck.

Crushes are great. All kinds - sex/lust crushes, he's so cute/cool/smart crushes....

It doesn't have to be anonymous sex. Just being open to every opportunity to play with someone you find hot. Or sexually interesting.

I enjoy "mosh pit" sex as well as intimate connection sex. So, my journey included a lot of anonymous sex.

You seemed to enjoy your "camping" adventure and that was pretty casual in the sex department. Experiences like that improve your database. (I think)

My husband is a picky eater. It is really hard to get him to try new foods from different cultures. When I wanted to get him to try Indian food, we found a place that had an "all you can eat" buffet. He was able to try a bunch of different Indian dishes and toss the ones he didn't like. From that, he was able to pick some things that he liked. Now we order Indian a couple times a month.

I guess, I'm saying, don't fret about crushes, or whatnot. You are free right now. Free to try the buffet that is sex and men. You might like twinkies into belly lint. Daddy bears with Iron Maidens.
Or into Iron Maiden.

I've liked playing with you. And we've only had little hotel room play. Not even scratched the surface of what I would love to do with you. I hope we get a chance to explore more. Woof.

Don't worry about it--enjoy it! Ridiculous infatuation is one of life's more rewarding opportunities to leap into absurdity.

My only advice is to find creative outlets. These kinds of feelings generate a lot of creativity.

Crushes are wonderful! I usually have about half a dozen going at once. Some have lasted years. Some are really quite tortuous, particularly the huge hairy guy at work who drives me INSANE with his hugeness and hairiness. Another was on a different coworker that recently shaved, so it was instantly over. Some are on gay men that only slept with me once, others that have eluded me for years.

I only put serious moves on a couple of straight guys. One might have given in since he seemed really hard up, but one day I saw him and knew instantly that he'd gotten laid - soon after that, he was married. The other I did get, and it was extremely fun, but still dissatisfying. I don't think I can ever get what I want from a straight guy, since their hearts aren't really into it.

But I sure love to look. Ukiah has so many hot guys that I can't even go grocery shopping without suffering cold sweats and shaking knees. Yeah, I got it real bad...

Yeah, Mongo was pretty fucking hot last weekend. Nothing like rassling in the mud with a huge muscular prison guard.

He really is hot. Hm, I'm kinda surprised they'd allow a guard to have such visible "Dominance" and "Submission" tattoos... you know, maybe they'd think he likes the job a little TOO much? But I know nothing about it.

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Cool! So, I'd love to hear from the other side of the fence.

What kind of relationship would you like to have with me if I moved to Munich? What kind of relationship would you like to have with me if I moved to San Francisco? Do you like to be prick-teased? Is it better if we just keep things at an emotional distance? You know I'm into some kinky stuff you probably aren't into, right? Can you be "just friends" with someone you have a crush on? Where do we go from here?

It's flattering to be the subject of a crush. But it's also full of WTF. What makes you think I'm worthy? Have you ever seen me on one of my bad days? You don't really know me... is this just because you think I'm hawt? 'Cause I don't think I'm good looking. Yup yup, those are the kind of questions guys have asked each other fer years.

I'm game. I am taking you up on the "What kind of relationship would I have if..." question above. Regardless of what options you choose in the coming months, I am going to take you at your word that you know you have service at your core. I am going to try you out, offer training, and learn as well while investigating your slave heart. From what I have seen since February 07, you have grown immensely. There is valuable connection brewing--perhaps in many areas of your life.

In support of what many other men are saying here, I hope you explore the possibilities everywhere that moves you.

This is a tad late into the conversation but what da hell?

Back when I was sorting out whether I was indeed gay I "met" a fellow via Yahoo groups where he made a poignant comment in a suit group shortly after 9/11 hoping all are well or some such, I replied what a nice post or something along those lines and that began a great online "relationship", if you will. At the time he lived in SF, I was in a different neighborhood here in Seattle and still was in my mid 30s some 7 years ago.

We even did a suit swap and such and I had crush like feelings for him. Sadly, it ended very badly in early 2002 and we've not chatted since. I think he actually had some issues of his own for I ran into him online in a suit group that another friend told me about, now defunct and there he was.

Anyway, that was then and I've had mini crushes since then and I've come to realize that part of what I need, to some degree is preferably someone who can understand/be interested in my kinky fetish for leather and full suit and tie. Like you, I am who I am and I'm unapologetic about it.

I will agree you are in a major change and flux, having just come out of a relationship of 14 years and being single can be a big change and I will agree that like you, I was asexual all through HS and my early adulthood, my first real sexual encounters came since I came out at 36, yeah, I'm that "old". :-) I'm more sensual than sexual, but hey, we all gotta get our ya, ya's out every now and then. :-)

Edited at 2008-07-11 01:57 am (UTC)

I saw a gay friend develop a crush on a married straight guy, and things quickly went pretty bad for everyone involved.

Been there. Lived that. If only I could have "decided" not to develop crushes on straight me in my early 20's, I would have had a much easier time. . .

that is so sweet that you have a crush on me!

When we come out, we start over in the whole "puberty" thing.

As a result, when we first come out, we spend a good deal of time figuring out how we, um, work. And exploring that side. We tend to form a lot of quick relationships, and then at some point, settle into longer relationships for some stability. Some never go past that, some do.

You've gotten to the next state where you are reexamining your life. Getting a crush is nothing bad.

The key is acting on the crush. Having a crush is pointless if you are unwilling to act on it. If you aren't, then move on, as harboring a crush can turn into a big negative...

So I would suggest trying to move them out of the crush category. Whether it is into the "more" or "less" category depends on their reactions, but leaving them there can cause troubles in the long run.

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