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When I was a freshman in college at age 18, my mom dropped me off at school for the first week. At the time, I could fit everything I owned into a Toyota Tercel hatchback, with room to spare. But I remember when I unloaded my life into a dorm room, kissed my mom goodbye, and shut the door.

The was a wonderful feeling. It was *my* space for the first time. No rules, no curfew, and nobody to bother me. Probably the first thing that I owned emotionally with no strings attached.


I did the same thing today, and it was bittersweet. I have more things now at age 39; there are two storage pods somewhere in Nevada waiting for when I can find a house or condo to buy. In the meantime, I'm living out of five suitcases and an assortment of boxes. I'm renting a room from sfbritskin, a great guy and leatherman who may not know what he's getting into by associating with me!

I finished moving everything today during lunch. I sat down in the middle of the floor, since I don't have a bed yet. Just a sleeping bag on an air mattress. I wanted to put on some music, but I don't know where my radio would be. I thought about how I've kind of wasted the last 15 years of my life, and it was embarrassing that I'm right back where I started twenty years ago. But I shook off those thoughts, closed my eyes and listened to the silence for a while. Then I got up and closed the door.

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You know the skanky Brits! Hurrah!

Just don't let him slip you the tongue, he's awful, he tries it on all the time.

I don't! I will just piss on you instead now.

Well, either, (i) you don't and you needn't take offense, or (ii) you do and you're cross at being called out on it so you feel the urge to piss... which is it, Missie?

Correction darling... one is skany, the other is the lovely Richard :)

It's trite but there's a grain of truth too-- everything we experience makes us into who we are right now. The last 15 years-- well, did you learn something from that about how you want to live the next 15 years? If so, then-- not a waste. Who knows-- maybe it was a 15-year-long hazing scene to get into this new chapter of life. *wry grin*

If you learned nothing. . . well, it still makes not too much difference; I mean, you are who you are now.

It can be kind of liberating to live without as much Stuff around. sctmpls and I both have had that sort of experience, maybe you will too.

"Waste" is probably a bad phrase. Instead, let me say that I built something big and beautiful, and it didn't last.

Edited at 2008-10-21 09:52 pm (UTC)

(Deleted comment)
Probably off topic, but I was sympathetic to a satanist I met who said that everything falls apart: to him, the christian idea of salvation was naive at best and dangerous at worst. He dedicated his life to creating beautiful fragile works of art, and then destroying them. I've met a lot of satanists lately, come to think of it...

Cool Patrick -- congrats. Where is the Apt?

I now live at 3886 Eastwood Circle in Santa Clara, near the intersection of 101 and the San Tomas Expressway, just north of San Jose.

The Lightness of Being

I don't know if I've mentioned this before. I had a friend a long time ago to talked about the phenomenon that occurs in most peoples lives, if they are lucky.

He called it "being light."

For various reasons people lose their anchors in life. The things that tie us down to a stable, but, inescapable routine. Usually the things that lead us to being "light" are not great. Relationship breakups, problems with family, loss of a job, natural disaster.

He saw this state of being un anchored as a great thing. It gives that person the freedom to re-direct their life in whatever direction they want.

You are "being light" right this very second.

It is a great thing. You can correct any mistakes you feel you've made since that day in the dorm room. You can choose what ever lifestyle you want. You just changed jobs. If you want, you could turn away from that and become a garbage man. If you think that will make you happier.

Nothing is too crazy right now for you. You are freed from the restraints that hold everyone else down to their lives.

The world is your oyster. No one likes what brings you to this place. But, we can all envy your opportunity to make a new life from the ashes of the old.

You are exploring your sexuality, this is a direct result of being light. From this exploration you will find what it is that you want sexually now. Do you want to live in the City? A farm in Marin or Sonoma? Close to the action? Or solitude? An expensive condo, or an earthy bohemian apartment?

Re: The Lightness of Being

I am exactly where I want to be right now.

Re: The Lightness of Being

I could totally see you as a very, very happy garbage man. heh.

It sounds weird, but I am SO happy for you. Rather than think of the last 15 years as a waste, think of it as one big learning experience. Now is your chance to start over and take everything you've learned about yourself in the last 15 years and incorporate it into the rest of your life.

*HUGS* mister

try to think of it as a new chapter.


No, I'm cool... I'm not sad in the least. I'm meeting a lot of great guys and having the time of my life.

A great post indeed. I've been through similar myself over the years. In my 20's I was groundless, had no real direction and lived at home, often unemployed after I lost my first real job. From early 1986 to about 1988 I floundered, decided to go into TV after seeing Broadcast News, after not getting work after graduation, I then floundered some more, then decided what I really needed to do was go back to school and learn more of the production side of TV, again, no meaningful, lasting jobs after graduation but from 1996-2001 I stayed largely employed and on my own butoften at dead end jobs and such, again, I floundered, but coming out in 2001 allowed me to slowly work towards knowing myself more, but I also had economic downturns to get in my way but here I am at a place I NEED to be right now. My path is coming more and more clear by listening to my soul, my spirit and art/graphic design etc seems to be the path, whether a realistic career path, don't know yet and that's my next step, to find that out.

The point is, as others have indicated, this "being lite" is a great time to rexamin yourself and see where you are and where perhaps you should be and if need be, veer off into a new direction.

At times I wished I'd been able to do more in my 20's and early 30's or I'd be much further along than I am now so yes, I do get wistful in that regard from time to time but I also tend to believe what happened, happened for a reason to a large extent.

From the sounds of things, you are where you NEED to be.

As the Rolling Stones once sang, You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find, you'll get what you need.

Edited at 2008-10-21 10:58 pm (UTC)

Is that lavender paint or purple?

Totally lavender. Andy (sfbritskin) told me, "You better like the color!"

Sorry... "colour".

Just ask Kevin_v5, they force that color on all their house bears!

It calms the house bear, and makes him less violent.

...or less violet.

Please.... so do restraints, a ball gag and a butt plug!
I think the Brits have just watched far too much Trading Space UK!

It appears that you have a lot ahead of you-- at least as much as ;you've left behind.
Treasure this moment of transition, Mudcub. You will soon be traveling down some other path, onward to new adventures. You have a unique opportunity to make your life whatever you wish.
Here's hoping you make good choices!

No, your no where near that same spot. No one could be after all that time. Just different, and evidentially more open to what you want, than ever before. I think that's a pretty good place to be.

I thought about how I've kind of wasted the last 15 years of my life, and it was embarrassing that I'm right back where I started twenty years ago.

You couldn't be more wrong, mister. If you were right back where you started 20 years ago, you'd not know all you did now. Think of it as a second start with a more discerning head, instead. :)

Congrats on your new beginning!

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