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My Ignorant Blog Post About Trans Issues (MIBPATI) #5 of 6
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mudcub

 

Here's something I also know nothing about: "passing". If you don't know,
the word refers to looking so much like what you want to look like, that
nobody has a clue any differently. It can mean racial identity, religion,
or sex.

I'm not trans, so I can't imagine what this is like. To grow up with a
different gender, go through a personal transition and transformation, and
to still be faced every day with personal thoughts every time you dress.

So, I'll shut up. I'm on shaky ground here. But here are some thoughts
from the other side of the fence.

Two times now, I've hooked up with transguys that I didn't know were trans
at the time I hooked up with them. As it turned out, I was cool with it, and
everything was fine (better than fine actually... both guys were fantastic.)
But I was shocked that the topic never came up before they went home
with me. What if I would have freaked out? Or become violent? I'm
surprised a transguy would leave that undisclosed until our pants came off.

To be brutal with myself, I'm not practicing what I preach. If I was
really blameless, I would do the same thing about my own sexual
orientation. Every time I meet a guy I want to fuck I should say, "You
know I'm gay, right?" I never do this. It's just kind of assumed, and that
realization about myself puzzles me.

To be even MORE brutally honest, I should disclose to everyone that I'm
actually bisexual. But in practice I just feel stupid about that.
Gay guys don't understand it, women don't care, and it brings up more
questions than it answers.

So, I guess I shouldn't be surprised when I've had to find out someone's
gender accidentally. It's not deceit - they weren't lying to me. But so
many things go unsaid, don't they? Sexual history, HIV status, BDSM
limits. Sometimes, we're just pigs and we dive in headlong before actually
negotiating or communicating.

But I'm writing all these blog posts as an outsider, so these are
"beginner thoughts" that probably seem trite and cute to most of you. And
that's something I wanted to note: the trans community actually is a
community, and they have certain inside jokes that only an insider would
understand.

Here is an example: a friend of mine was telling me about his exciting
evening of sex with a man and a woman, "He fucked me with his dick, and
then I fucked her with my cock, and then he went down on both our
dicks..." I was getting off on the visual until I got confused. Who was
doing what to whom? Wait a minute... can I have a diagram?

Later, I found out that some transguys call a clit a dick. And strap-on is
a cock. You get fucked by a cock, but you can suck a dick.
But sometimes that's not the lingo that's being used, and those words mean
something completely different. Then there's packing, but I'm not going to
go into that at all here.

When I whined about being confused over Cock vs. Dick, my friend's reply
was, "Does it make a difference?" The politically correct answer is No. I
don't really need to know the details, and hot sex holds up just fine with
ambiguity.

For example, if I am being whipped by a hot dominatrix while I'm strapped
to a St. Andrew's cross, it doesn't really matter what She has in Her
pants. I'm probably not going to be allowed in Her pants anyway. W/we
would be having an intense physical and emotional connection that goes
beyond simply rubbing sexual organs.

At the same time, I like my friend. I want to know everything about him,
and care about the things he cares about. So, if I were to find out a
close relative is trans, want to share in their story if I can - support
their transitioning, if that happens. Does it matter if they have a dick
or not? No. Wait a minute, of course it does.
Don't be silly, NO. To be honest, yes. Not really, Ok, yeah.
Maybe yes. Nope. Fuck.
 


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After reading Loren Cameron's superb book, "Body Alchemy," the issue of gender and sexual identity blurred substantially. I no longer believe that plumbing alone determines gender, and I believe that plumbing doesn't have any match-up whatsoever to sexual identity/preference.

We are typical males...

I think that you are approaching the subject from what would be a typical male mentality... either gay or heterosexual. We think of the phallus an orifice and trans people think beyond that.

I think that I wouldn't go around telling people that I am gay or bi in your case. If you are hitting on a guy and you are a male, it is obvious that either you are gay or bi.

"Passing" is something that trans people really seek to do all the time. For us who are biological ok with our bodies, we don't have to do anything to "pass." For trans people, they are trying to be something that biologically don't match their minds, so they really seek to pass and go beyond ideas that we would not even think of simply because we don't need to.

Re: We are typical males...

So... ever had to pass as "white"? Or, have you ever had to go to an event in the Hispanic community and had to emphasize that part of yourself? Did you do it on purpose? Unconsciously? Did you feel bad about having to do it? Just curious. I know I've both "butched it up" and "toned it down" at times, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Re: We are typical males...

Not relly... I have never tried to be something that I am not. I always present myself for who I am at all times.

I think that life is not about pretending.

Re: We are typical males...

Hey, I really appreciated reading your comments to mudcub's series of posts.




Re: We are typical males...

I wanted to correct this a bit. It isn't so much that transpeople are trying to be something that doesn't match our minds - it's that we need to tweak our presentation or our bodies to match what we are in our minds. If I'm trying to be something different than my mind, I'll be wearing drag (and doing so badly most likely. hehe ;).

Re: We are typical males...

Don't you think everyone has this problem? If my outside matched my inside, I'd look like a filthy garbageman all the time {grin}. Or think about all the kinky leatherfolk trapped in corporate 9-to-5 jobs.

To be offensive for a minute... I think having your outside match your inside is a priviledge, not a right. You have to have the money and time and freedom to wear and look how you want. I think very few people are lucky enough to "match".

Re: We are typical males...

I would totally, *totally* agree. To link this back to transfolks for a minute, there are many of us who cannot have things match either because we can't afford or can't physically survive surgery - yet in the eyes of the law in some jurisdictions, you can't modify your documents if you haven't had surgery. So we have to sue the state - more money - to get what should be a given.

The one thing that made me regret resigning form the SF Bearhugs when I did was that we just got an e-mail request form an FTM asking as to if he could attend. By all means, I replied, as it really does take all kinds, but I could make no promises on how it would go. Alas, the e-mail became another's work, and I don't know if they went... but man, I hope they had a good time if he did.

Oh, that makes me sad. It goes back to my comment on gay priviledge: imagine having to ask permission to come to a *hug*. I understand some gay guys hate vaginas, but a cuddle should be the most pure and un-political human gestures.

... imagine having to ask permission to come to a *hug*.

And getting different answers each time. For example, just in San Francisco:
- The 15 Association requires male state-issued ID
- SF Ring is open to all who identify as male
- Men's parties at the Citadel are open to FTMs who can "reasonably pass" as male
- Eros is open to all who live 24/7 as men

I'm not your average transguy and I wouldn't suggest following what works for me with anyone else unless they specifically request it.

I prefer to be out as trans and am happy when others do the work for me. Coming out is a major pain in the ass. I've got a recon profile and a manhunt profile and in both I come out right at the top. I figure that being out saves me a lot of wasted time in weeding out the jackasses. The only time I haven't made sure that someone knew I was trans before hooking up with them was at DO (because it felt like such a trans-positive space that it seemed redundant).

Every person is different in terms of how they relate to their body (both trans and non-trans folk). There are certainly enough slang words out there for penis and vagina to prove *that* point. ;-)

To be brutal with myself, I'm not practicing what I preach. If I was really blameless, I would do the same thing ...

That's yet another example of privilege. When was the last time you had to explain that you have a penis inside your pants? (That said, I know cisgender guys who have been assumed to be trans who have had to make that disclosure upfront.)

I've disclosed before playing, but I've also just gone right ahead and gotten down to business in a take it or leave it kind of way. I'm more likely to do the latter in public play or with bathhouse sex.

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