Log in

No account? Create an account
Previous Entry Share Next Entry
(no subject)


This is a post for me. I'm trying to remind myself why I broke up a 14 year relationship and moved to San Francisco. If you think I whine too much about Master/slave stuff, please skip this post and read the one about the elephant costume instead.

i want a hardcore Master/slave relationship. By "hardcore", i mean that it would involve edgeplay, heavy bondage, raunch, protocol (at times "high" protocol), punishment, training, fearplay, mindfucks, and deprivation.
i would be allowed to love the Master. To absolutely adore and worship Him. i would try to execute any order He gave me. The Master has complete access to my body and mind... all my thoughts are transparent to Him. Everything i own, everything i do is His. He controls what i eat, what i wear, and even if i can breathe.

Does this mean the Master has to constantly control my life... telling me when to inhale or exhale? Hell, no, that's too much work. But it's a fun reminder to the slave to put its dick in chastity for a month, or to not let it drink soda. It's a great lesson to the slave about control and power and the consequences of not obeying.

What does the Master get out of the arrangement? i'm really not able to say: it depends on the Master. But if i can put on my Muir cap for a second, i think the Master gets control of another person. If the Master wants something to happen - a dinner party, a clean house, a leather charity event - all He has to do is order it, and "His will" will be done.

Because one of the important requirements for the relationship is that the Master needs to have a "will". He has to have likes and dislikes, and a desire to change things: a room repainted, boots polished. And the Master has to learn to not do it himself... to give orders to me as His slave. That's really hard for some Masters to learn.

i want a Master who is self-sufficient, who is an adult and can pay his own bills and handle His own affairs. He keeps me as a slave to ease and improve His life... not to run it. i am a luxury, not a necessity, and i am also able to live my own live by myself. W/we come together out of choice, not desperation.

i like serving sadists. i love that i am hating the pain, and the more i suffer and squirm, the more the Master gets off on it. It's a delicious feedback loop that leads to wonderful dungeon sessions. And i'm not sure that sadism can be faked. i'm a masochist and want to be hurt, abused, and humiliated. If the Master isn't in ther mood to go there, i'm not sure we're going to work out.

The Master also gets a constantly available and willing sex partner. Any sexual fetish the Master has can be realized... and i mean *any*. It's important to me that the Master finds me sexy and wants to have sex with me. i want to try every single fetish in the BDSM playbook: cutting, chastity, branding, tickling, fucking, you name it. i love creative and interesting kink. i'm hoping the Master will want to explore everything about leathersex with me, and we will see what we individually like and dislike.

For example, i'd love the Master to enjoy tying me up. There are so many wonderful uses for bondage. It secures the slave in one place - inside a cage, blidfolded and hogtied in the closet - so the Master can chill out, get chores done, get a respite from having to be in control - and the slave is there waiting patiently until the Master is ready to use it again. Heavy bondage is also useful for testing the level of love and trust in the slave. And since i love bondage, the Master knows He can give me incredible orgasms or longing aching desire for release just be restraining me.

i love raunch. To me, filth and stink are very masculine. But it's also challenging. i'd love a Master to enjoying fucking with me and finding out where my limits are. Will the slave eat *anything*? Humiliation is wonderful to me, because it takes away my pride and ego and makes me feel very small and dependent. Though i hate being made fun of, i think the treatment makes me a better slave.

i'm all about submission... that's one of the big reasons i want to serve. i'll do all the "heavy lifting" at first. i'll roll over on my back and give the Master access to my body and mind. But it's really hard to stay there by myself. i love a Master to periodically give me the tools i need in order to help me stay in a deep slave headspace: body positioning, tasks to do when He's not around, orders and punishment, sometimes a hard slap to the back of my head is a wonderful thing to help me get centered again.

One nice thing is that the Master can do no wrong. If a scene goes badly, or the Master punishes me for something that turns out to be correct, i would never hold a grudge. The Master has a person who will instantly forgive. Want to learn how to use a singletail whip? i'd be happy to be a practice dummy. i get off on giving unconditional love... kind of like being a dog.

Read that last part again: having a slave can be like having a dog. And if you are not in the mood to have a dog, then *don't* try to force it - don't get a dog. In a similar way, i hope that owning me as a slave would bring the Master joy and not be a burden or chore.

Here's one of many hard things: the Master has the ability to break me. i know He does... i don't have a huge pain threshold, and i have a lot of things that scare me. So, the Master has a tough job to play with the line trying to decide how much i can take, and how much i should be able to take. Am i having an of day, and i really need to call and end to the scene? Or am i just whining and with a little force, the Master can take me way further than i thought i could go? That's a tricky job, and i don't envy Him for it.

Because punishment sucks... that's another hard thing. Not only did things not get done, or get done incorrectly, but now the evening plans have be put on hold while the situation is resolved with a spanking or a long talk. It's not fun for anybody. But i'd be honored if a Master enjoyed training me... watching me get better day by day and become a better instrument for Him. My muscles get bigger, i kneel faster, i say the right things, i learn when to shut up.

And the pride goes both ways. i want a Master who wants to improve Himself as well. i love helping the Master improve: i'll be a workout partner, an alarm clock, or a walking memo pad for reminders. i would love a Master who was active in the leather world and together W/we would attend events and volunteer. i like a Man who gives back to the community: that's fucking sexy.

i'd love a 24/7 live-in arrangement. It's not a dealbreaker, but it is so delicious to be woken up at 4 am for sex, to be able to go to the pharmacy at a moment's notice to make a sick Master feel better. i'd love to build and fix up and decorate a house together. To pool O/our money together and be able to do amazing things: a summer in France, starting a business, retire early.

Would i give all my money to a Master? Absolutely. This freaks out a lot of people. But it's actually what any loving couple does. If your partner needed, would you spent everything you had? Sure. i wouldn't serve a Master who would cut off my fingers one-by-one and feed them to me. But in my mind, i would be so devoted that i would go there. In that kind of relationship, safewords don't make a lot of sense, nor do limits and the word "no".

Am i asking a lot? Hell yeah. But i'm offering a lot. And i hope a suitable Master isn't out there thinking, "Damn, I could never measure up to all Mudcub's wants and needs!" i realize that nobody is perfect. There doesn't exist a Master who is incredibly rich, and happens to have an eight room mansion in San Francisco with a fully-equipped dungeon and room in His life for a slave. As if He's ready and waiting with no strings attached. Instead, i can overlook faults, help where the Master is disabled, and cope with the Master's own messy baggage, issues, and problems. Our flaws make us special and wonderful. i am just honored to be part of His life.

Ok... so that's what i want. Or at least, that's what i *think* i want. So, what am i doing about it? Well, i want to work out and build a better skinnier body. i can't do anything about the fact that i'm i 39 year old trying to be a slave and competing against 24 year old hotties. i guess i could dye my hair. At the very least, my age tells me that life is short, and if i want to be a slave, i should do it now.

i am going to take drugs for ADD. i have books on slavery to read, journals to write in, Master/slave conventions to attend. i will email possible Master on recon, attend MAsT meetings, and get my butt out there for dates and meetings and interviews.

Because this is very important to me. i will try to improve my body and mind until i am worthy of serving the Master of my dreams. Or, i'll die a very sad unfulfilled old man. But, i'll have a submissive calm attitude and a rockin' hard body in the meantime.

Wish me luck. And strength. 

  • 1
(Deleted comment)

One of my friends is a dominant bi woman. If the men who serve her piss her off, she makes them wear The Pink Sweatshirt Of Shame out in public.

I think I could rock a pink sweatshirt. Pastels look good on me. I think I'm a summer...

Considering you have a pink elephane fursuit i cant see how a pink shirt would work :P

I think this kind of introspection is good for you. It seems to me that you want the Master / slave dynamic in your relationship, but you also want respect as an individual. Personally I totally get that. Of the few people I know that function in this space, I've only seen it work when they both love and respect each other, both in the context of the M/s relationship as well as individuals.

Best of luck. I think this kind of meditation will help you be a better slave and lead you to a happier, more fulfilled relationship.

I _really_ liked reading this entry, slave. You know who and what you are. Most impressive - our paths will cross someday.

I am sad to say that in the early days of my fully coming out..and being exposed to this in San Francisco...I just didn't understand why anyone would want to be so dominated

But life is about learning...and in the case of sexual preferences..life is about respecting other peoples turn ons.. I am 180 degrees out of phase with my earlier opinions..It is obvious that this gives you much pleasure and is a major part of your sex life ...so I hope your dreams come true..and you find someone deserving of your desire to serve

nice tattoo, BTW

It's a nice bruise, too! Thank you for your kind thoughts, and best of luck on your journey, too.

Thanks for sharing your introspection. You have clearly put in a lot of thought into what you want out of your relationship and for your sake I hope you will one day find the Master that will suit your needs best.

And there's nothing wrong with being a hairy cuddly 39 yr old hottie. I'd be chuffed if you were ever my slave!

i wish you good fortune in finding this

i understand this post, but it doesn't *click* any of my relays...that i know

Listing things like this is a good way to sort out what's important to you. It will give you a better chance at finding what you want, since you know what to focus on when the opportunity arises.

A thought-provoking and useful post.

Nice post. Regrettably, it doesn't push my personal buttons, either as master or slave... but there's just enough of both in me that I can faintly appreciate why you'd want to be what you want to be.

It fucks me over that your head is a perfect match for mine. The worst time I've had with you was the last time. Only because I didn't have the energy to really fuck you over. I enjoy your discomfort and your eagerness to please.

I really get hard knowing that you will do things that you don't enjoy or repulse you just to be a good slave. I would love to see just how many truly disgusting things I can get you to do.

I wish it could be more than just the occasional chance to "play." I'd be happiest if it could be real, full time.

Good luck buddy.

Why the ADD meds? I'm assuming you've already been diagnosed.

I wouldn't worry *too* much about the age thing. I had 39 yo slave when I was 25. He did a lot of what you described. Helped me improve, was my beat-on-bondage toy. He was my puppy and my majordomo, and he really liked getting flogged. If it happened once, it can happen again.

You'll find who/what you need.

I love your photos. Seeing a man's wrists wrapped to fight is yummy. Keep working on that rockin' hard body ;-)

OMG, I think you're sane.

does that mean I'm crazy?

You have put a lot of thought into what you want. But it appears there are a few times where you have allowed fantasy and reality to blur a bit. It's that reality piece that can mess us up now and then.

My suggestion - which will probably help you on your quest - a lot... Is to spend a lot more time answering the question "What does the Master get out of this?"

What are you bringing to the table, other than someone who wants to experience a lot of things. What is the quid pro quo?

Since you like reading, I have a suggestion for you.
Master Han's Daughter by Midori. Page 69, the short story - Love.
Read it slowly - twice.

I met a slave once, who had very similar desires to yours. And he found a great Master. And he experienced everything under the sun. Things that you and I can not imagine.

And one day the Master decided that he wanted to do more body mods. The slave had tattoos and piercings, brandings and cuttings. And the Master decided that he didn't want the slave to experience being a top - so he castrated him and then gave him a penoctomy. The slave thought this was a wonderful demonstration of his love for his Master.
And then the Master released him, because he no longer pleased him.

I think we all have limits, but sometimes we don't want to articulate them in case they limit our choices of who we get to be with.

I didn't write anything I haven't already lived. Tell where you see fantasy.

>"What does the Master get out of this?"

As I stated above. This post was for me, to figure what I need in a BDSM relationship. There are those that think the slave shouldn't have any wants beyond pleasing the Master. Well, I call bullshit.

>What is the quid pro quo?

There is no quid, no pro, and no quo. You serve in order to serve, not to expect a future reward.

Thanks for the reference to a book I don't own and am not going to buy. Does it have an online version?

But no thanks for the depressing cliched story that has nothing to do with me or my life. You are a slave - why do you want to harsh my buzz so badly?

I think we are probably both misunderstanding each other. When I read what you wrote it sounded like it was future tense "I would like to..." and I inferred that it was things you had not done yet.

I'm not disagreeing with you on having wants and needs. What I am trying to get at - is if we understand what the other person wants or needs in the relationship - doesn't it make it easier to find them? If we don't know WHY a Master would want to do these things, then we're missing part of the equation aren't we?

I'm going to disagree with on the quid pro quo. You get experiences, sensations, attention - and you give something "service" to get those. If you serve in order to serve, then you should be able to serve anyone, and not expect to love or be loved? And I think that is why a lot of these relationships don't work. I think the quid pro quo has to be there for the relationship to exist long term.

Midori is a friend of mine, so I support people buying or borrowing her book. You might be able to find it in a library perhaps? It really is a good book - and well worth reading.

As for the story - it's reality, I know the guy, I've talked to him, I've met him in person. I think it is a valid example of a possible potential. I'm not saying its going to happen every time, or even to anyone in particular. Take it or leave it - it's just one person's experience.

If we don't know WHY a Master would want to do these things, then we're missing part of the equation aren't we?

It has been my experience that the deepest motivation of the other side is fundamentally unknowable. I have been playing with bottoms of all kinds for years, and only recently with a sub of the caliber described above. I can't actually emotionally access what the drive is behind it. I doubt they can really undertsand mine. We just have to match.

Interesting read. Good luck on your quest. And I'd take a 39 year old man that's lived a little over a 24 year old any day.

I'm actually quite the sadist, but to really get off on it I have to be able to push the person to a certain point. Unfortunately Don can't go there.

It's good to remind one self of such things.

We actually have quite a bit in common -- I left my 13 year vanilla relationship to really enter into the bdsm/leather world. And I've started down the road of a real Master/slave relationship w/ a man I admire and, yes, love very much. Though I'm his part-time collared slave (for various reasons, not the least distance -- he's 2000 miles away), if he called me tonight and said he wanted me as his full time 24/7, I'd do it. The sex, the raunch (he's made me do things for him I've never done for anyone else -- all because it was for him), the frustration (he likes forced chastity a lot), the pain, would be incredible, but most of 24/7 life isn't sex -- far from it -- just being his slave and wearing his collar and helping him any way I could would be enough. 4 years ago I never thought I'd be where I am now, though who knows if it'll happen all the way -- though if not with him, then, eventually, w/ someone.

Hopefully you'll be where you want to be in due time yourself.

Good luck to you.

you look hot in all of your pics, but in that first one....
you look especially hot.

Although I don't comment a lot, I enjoy reading of your journey to becomin' a slave.
I think you are moving in the right direction, in that you are thinking about what you want and how that might interact with a master.

Useful introspections in public

I nodded knowingly here. Reliable service, and the expectation thereof, is a place where some tops get burned. So much easier to have play dates and event encounters!

"...one of the important requirements for the relationship is that the Master needs to have a "will". He has to have likes and dislikes, and a desire to change things: a room repainted, boots polished. And the Master has to learn to not do it himself... to give orders to me as His slave. That's really hard for some Masters to learn."

The kind of relationship that you want takes time to develop. Go slow, observe and learn. Don't trust too quickly.

  • 1