mudcub (mudcub) wrote,

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This is a post for me. I'm trying to remind myself why I broke up a 14 year relationship and moved to San Francisco. If you think I whine too much about Master/slave stuff, please skip this post and read the one about the elephant costume instead.

i want a hardcore Master/slave relationship. By "hardcore", i mean that it would involve edgeplay, heavy bondage, raunch, protocol (at times "high" protocol), punishment, training, fearplay, mindfucks, and deprivation.
i would be allowed to love the Master. To absolutely adore and worship Him. i would try to execute any order He gave me. The Master has complete access to my body and mind... all my thoughts are transparent to Him. Everything i own, everything i do is His. He controls what i eat, what i wear, and even if i can breathe.

Does this mean the Master has to constantly control my life... telling me when to inhale or exhale? Hell, no, that's too much work. But it's a fun reminder to the slave to put its dick in chastity for a month, or to not let it drink soda. It's a great lesson to the slave about control and power and the consequences of not obeying.

What does the Master get out of the arrangement? i'm really not able to say: it depends on the Master. But if i can put on my Muir cap for a second, i think the Master gets control of another person. If the Master wants something to happen - a dinner party, a clean house, a leather charity event - all He has to do is order it, and "His will" will be done.

Because one of the important requirements for the relationship is that the Master needs to have a "will". He has to have likes and dislikes, and a desire to change things: a room repainted, boots polished. And the Master has to learn to not do it himself... to give orders to me as His slave. That's really hard for some Masters to learn.

i want a Master who is self-sufficient, who is an adult and can pay his own bills and handle His own affairs. He keeps me as a slave to ease and improve His life... not to run it. i am a luxury, not a necessity, and i am also able to live my own live by myself. W/we come together out of choice, not desperation.

i like serving sadists. i love that i am hating the pain, and the more i suffer and squirm, the more the Master gets off on it. It's a delicious feedback loop that leads to wonderful dungeon sessions. And i'm not sure that sadism can be faked. i'm a masochist and want to be hurt, abused, and humiliated. If the Master isn't in ther mood to go there, i'm not sure we're going to work out.

The Master also gets a constantly available and willing sex partner. Any sexual fetish the Master has can be realized... and i mean *any*. It's important to me that the Master finds me sexy and wants to have sex with me. i want to try every single fetish in the BDSM playbook: cutting, chastity, branding, tickling, fucking, you name it. i love creative and interesting kink. i'm hoping the Master will want to explore everything about leathersex with me, and we will see what we individually like and dislike.

For example, i'd love the Master to enjoy tying me up. There are so many wonderful uses for bondage. It secures the slave in one place - inside a cage, blidfolded and hogtied in the closet - so the Master can chill out, get chores done, get a respite from having to be in control - and the slave is there waiting patiently until the Master is ready to use it again. Heavy bondage is also useful for testing the level of love and trust in the slave. And since i love bondage, the Master knows He can give me incredible orgasms or longing aching desire for release just be restraining me.

i love raunch. To me, filth and stink are very masculine. But it's also challenging. i'd love a Master to enjoying fucking with me and finding out where my limits are. Will the slave eat *anything*? Humiliation is wonderful to me, because it takes away my pride and ego and makes me feel very small and dependent. Though i hate being made fun of, i think the treatment makes me a better slave.

i'm all about submission... that's one of the big reasons i want to serve. i'll do all the "heavy lifting" at first. i'll roll over on my back and give the Master access to my body and mind. But it's really hard to stay there by myself. i love a Master to periodically give me the tools i need in order to help me stay in a deep slave headspace: body positioning, tasks to do when He's not around, orders and punishment, sometimes a hard slap to the back of my head is a wonderful thing to help me get centered again.

One nice thing is that the Master can do no wrong. If a scene goes badly, or the Master punishes me for something that turns out to be correct, i would never hold a grudge. The Master has a person who will instantly forgive. Want to learn how to use a singletail whip? i'd be happy to be a practice dummy. i get off on giving unconditional love... kind of like being a dog.

Read that last part again: having a slave can be like having a dog. And if you are not in the mood to have a dog, then *don't* try to force it - don't get a dog. In a similar way, i hope that owning me as a slave would bring the Master joy and not be a burden or chore.

Here's one of many hard things: the Master has the ability to break me. i know He does... i don't have a huge pain threshold, and i have a lot of things that scare me. So, the Master has a tough job to play with the line trying to decide how much i can take, and how much i should be able to take. Am i having an of day, and i really need to call and end to the scene? Or am i just whining and with a little force, the Master can take me way further than i thought i could go? That's a tricky job, and i don't envy Him for it.

Because punishment sucks... that's another hard thing. Not only did things not get done, or get done incorrectly, but now the evening plans have be put on hold while the situation is resolved with a spanking or a long talk. It's not fun for anybody. But i'd be honored if a Master enjoyed training me... watching me get better day by day and become a better instrument for Him. My muscles get bigger, i kneel faster, i say the right things, i learn when to shut up.

And the pride goes both ways. i want a Master who wants to improve Himself as well. i love helping the Master improve: i'll be a workout partner, an alarm clock, or a walking memo pad for reminders. i would love a Master who was active in the leather world and together W/we would attend events and volunteer. i like a Man who gives back to the community: that's fucking sexy.

i'd love a 24/7 live-in arrangement. It's not a dealbreaker, but it is so delicious to be woken up at 4 am for sex, to be able to go to the pharmacy at a moment's notice to make a sick Master feel better. i'd love to build and fix up and decorate a house together. To pool O/our money together and be able to do amazing things: a summer in France, starting a business, retire early.

Would i give all my money to a Master? Absolutely. This freaks out a lot of people. But it's actually what any loving couple does. If your partner needed, would you spent everything you had? Sure. i wouldn't serve a Master who would cut off my fingers one-by-one and feed them to me. But in my mind, i would be so devoted that i would go there. In that kind of relationship, safewords don't make a lot of sense, nor do limits and the word "no".

Am i asking a lot? Hell yeah. But i'm offering a lot. And i hope a suitable Master isn't out there thinking, "Damn, I could never measure up to all Mudcub's wants and needs!" i realize that nobody is perfect. There doesn't exist a Master who is incredibly rich, and happens to have an eight room mansion in San Francisco with a fully-equipped dungeon and room in His life for a slave. As if He's ready and waiting with no strings attached. Instead, i can overlook faults, help where the Master is disabled, and cope with the Master's own messy baggage, issues, and problems. Our flaws make us special and wonderful. i am just honored to be part of His life.

Ok... so that's what i want. Or at least, that's what i *think* i want. So, what am i doing about it? Well, i want to work out and build a better skinnier body. i can't do anything about the fact that i'm i 39 year old trying to be a slave and competing against 24 year old hotties. i guess i could dye my hair. At the very least, my age tells me that life is short, and if i want to be a slave, i should do it now.

i am going to take drugs for ADD. i have books on slavery to read, journals to write in, Master/slave conventions to attend. i will email possible Master on recon, attend MAsT meetings, and get my butt out there for dates and meetings and interviews.

Because this is very important to me. i will try to improve my body and mind until i am worthy of serving the Master of my dreams. Or, i'll die a very sad unfulfilled old man. But, i'll have a submissive calm attitude and a rockin' hard body in the meantime.

Wish me luck. And strength. 

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